For those who missed that wonderful birds and bees talk or slept through high school biology class – let’s begin with the basics. Sexual intercourse is the bedrock of human existence. With the exception of artificial insemination, egg and sperm unite through copulation. Intercourse can serve procreational purposes, recreational purposes, or both. This means that not only did our biological parents have sex, but they probably enjoyed it. *gasp* The thought of my sweet, innocent mother in the heat of passion is too much for my fragile conscience to handle. Now I understand why The Bible says Jesus Christ had a virgin birth!
Since the action gives us pleasure, it is typically theorized as an escape from politics. There is no doubt that those fleeting moments are experienced as a suspension of time and transcendence of space. However, we must not overlook the political implications and consequences of sex. Since the dawn of civilization, intercourse has been subject to rules and regulations from authorities. Whether they are societal stigmas, government laws, or religious commandments, there have been and are several stipulations on sexual activity. Such mandates determine(d) with whom we can have intercourse with, where, when, why, and how. To varying degrees, all human societies have incest taboos prohibiting sexual relations among close family members. There are laws that determine standards of legal consent for children and people with temporary or permanent diminished capacities. In the United States, interracial marriage was legalized just 50 years ago; and same-sex marriage was legalized just a few years ago (both interracial and same-sex intercourse are still stigmatized, though). Human civilization is dedicated to controlling and patrolling the ways we use our bodies to obtain pleasure. Therefore, sex is political and politics is sexual.
We live in a society based on patriarchy: the political, economic, and social domination of women by men. Under these conditions, women are reduced to mere objects that can be used and abused by men. Against this backdrop, sexual intercourse takes on a different meaning.
In this post, I offer readings of radical feminist theory and sexological work to understand our harmful sexual practices. In doing so, we are challenged to detoxify our present understandings of intercourse and move toward a new sexual ethic.
The Language of Eroticized Violence
The words and phrases used to describe human anatomy and sexual activity provide a glimpse into the structure of patriarchy. Andrea Dworkin (1987) argues that the word vagina comes from the 17th century New Latin term for ‘sheath’ – which means a ‘case for a sword’. Assuming heterosexuality, we must ask ourselves: if the vagina is the case, what is the sword? The penis. Male genitalia are imagined as a weapon that penetrates the flesh of an enemy. Sigmund Freud (1905) was correct in stating that “all weapons and tools are used as symbols for the male organ: i.e. ploughs, hammers, rifles, revolvers, daggers, sabres, etc” (p. 825). A nickname often used for sperm is “little soldiers.” Women are viewed as foreign enemies whose bodies are invaded during the ‘war’ of sexual intercourse. Freud describes castration anxiety – the fear among young boys and men that they will lose their penis and be emasculated. These fears are at play during vaginal intercourse, when the penis is completely encapsulated in the tight, dark ‘cave’ with muscular contractions. The word sex derives from the Latin ‘secare’ which means to ‘divide, or cut’. Will he make it out alive?
The male orgasm is often likened to death. For example, the French describe orgasms with the term la petit mort – which means ‘little death’. Additionally, in Shakespeare’s (1612) play Much Ado About Nothing (Act 5 Scene 2), Benedick tells his lover “I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes”. We have, then, a connection between intercourse, swords, and death.
We often refer to their sexual escapades and/or desires by saying: ‘I hit that’, ‘I beat it up’, ‘I want to smash’, etc. These verbs are violent – to such a degree that if the sexual message were removed, the phrases would still make sense in the context of a boxing match. Violence against women is sexualized and transmitted through language – formatting our thoughts and actions.
“Impotence in the Face of Equality”
The woman’s body is vulnerable in at least two ways. First, the political, economic, and social powerlessness of women situates the body in a constant state of peril. Her humanity is reduced to her body; whereby she is granted recognition from men solely within the sexual domain. Women are, largely, not acknowledged for intellect or skills outside of the bedroom. To the extent that women do gain recognition, it typically falls within two predictable lines of thought. A woman in power is either demonized as a lesbian for not conforming to male expectations, or sexualized as having ‘slept her way up the ladder’. On the flip side, women earn lower wages than men – in part to undermine their autonomy and keep them in a state of dependency. The lack of self-determination, for Dworkin, throws the notion of consent into crisis; because many women are forced into abusive relationships and prostitution as a means of survival. Contrary to popular criticism, Dworkin is not arguing that all intercourse is rape. Instead, she is drawing attention to the structure of patriarchy which undermines a woman’s ability to give full consent. Consequently, Dworkin poses the following questions: “can intercourse exist without objectification? […] can intercourse exist without the woman herself turning herself into a thing, which she must do because men cannot fuck equals and men must fuck: because one price of dominance is that one is impotent in the face of equality?” (p. 178). The degradation of women is a turn-on that gets men off.
Natural Vulnerability
Second, by nature, the body of women is particularly vulnerable during sexual intercourse with men. Andrea Dworkin contends that skin is the defining characteristic of humans – as it encases our organs and establishes a limitation on our bodies. The act of sex, though, erodes this physical barrier when two bodies come together. A woman’s body is the stage where intercourse takes place – it is the space a man enters. Under conditions of patriarchy, what would or could be viewed as harmless and natural takes on a different guise. Women are commodified as objects lacking any meaningful assertions of ‘identity’ or ‘desire’ outside the domain of men. Consequently, the penetration of heterosexual intercourse is an occupation of the woman’s body. It is an invasion of privacy that displays the quality of male domination. Dworkin is unapologetic in her description of sexual intercourse as the fuck or fucking – as this is one of the ways “the man expresses the geography of his domination; her sex, her insides are part of his domain as a male” (p. 82-3).
Toward a New Sexual Ethic: Infantile Sexuality
In many academic circles, the work of Sigmund Freud (1905) is dismissed as unscientific babble. But there are pearls of wisdom to extract from his writings on sexuality in human civilizations. One theoretical gem that is useful here is the notion of infantile sexuality. At first glance, the idea sounds like an appraisal of pedophilia – but this is far from the truth. The basic idea is this: infants derive pleasure from their entire bodies. Every bodily sensation, orifice, and inch of the skin is a potential source of gratification. The pleasure principle governs the life of infants.
However, the pleasure principle is repressed when the child begins to attend school. Civilization demands that ‘play’ be sacrificed for ‘work’ (Brown, 1965). The reality principle of productivity subordinates the pleasure principle. As children become adults, they become even more alienated from their bodies as pleasure is reduced, almost exclusively, to the genitals. A consequence of this concentration on one region is that most of the body is neglected during intercourse. Consequently, penetration becomes the ultimate goal of sex – as if it is the only source of pleasure. For the most part, men are indoctrinated to associate pleasure with humping: in and out, in and out, ad nauseaum. Foreplay – kissing, licking, cuddling, etc – is subordinated to genital intercourse in a hierarchy of pleasure. Thus, foreplay is either ignored or viewed as an unfortunate pit stop that grants eventual access to the Promised Land. When Freud discusses infantile sexuality – he is reminding us of the tremendous bodily pleasures that come from our entire bodies.
Toward a New Sexual Ethic: The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm
A classic feminist essay written by Anne Koedt (1970) argues that the link between vaginal intercourse and female orgasm is a myth. According to Planned Parenthood, 1 in 3 women have trouble reaching orgasm during sex. Additionally, as many as 80% of women need direct clitoral stimulation to climax. The message here is that the thrusting of the penis is not synonymous with women’s pleasure. Since a woman’s orgasm is also aligned with masturbation and/or oral stimulation, pleasure can be obtained from a woman or non-man. This theory debunks phallocentrism – the idea that the phallus, or penis, is the center of all pleasure. Men perpetuate the myth of the vaginal orgasm in a pathetic attempt to remain sexually relevant to women, and to maintain the power of heteropatriarchy. The penis may, very well, be the only source of pleasure for some women – but the point is this: it is not the only source of pleasure for all women. The penis is indispensable to procreation, but not necessarily the pleasure of a woman.
Toward a New Sexual Ethic: Redefining Male Sexuality
The message, of course, is not simply that ‘women deserve orgasms, too!’ While this is certainly important – since men almost always get theirs – we cannot state with confidence that orgasm is the most important goal for women. In her pioneering study on sexuality, Shere Hiite (1978) interviews dozens of women and inquires about sexual preferences and grievances. When sex was affixed to a goal in the distance like intercourse and orgasm, sexual relations became repetitive and boring. Overwhelmingly, sexual relations followed the same mechanical pattern: foreplay, vaginal intercourse, and then orgasm. As Hiite contends, “sex need not always be directed at orgasm, or even genital stimulation. There are many other ways to relate physically to another person” (p. 531). Thus, a new kind of intercourse would involve less thrusting and more embracing and/or touching of the entire body. In the interest of a new sexual ethic, male sexuality must be detoxified of violence against women and re-defined along the lines of care. I close this post with a question to ponder from Hiite:
“Intercourse need not be as gymnastic as we have usually thought, and it is probable that what we think of as the ‘natural,’ physical, movements of intercourse are nothing more than ‘learned’ responses. Isn’t it possible that men have been told that ‘mounting and thrusting’ is the ‘right’ thing to do, but that they too, if allowed to experiment, would find many other ways they liked to have intercourse?”
__________________
References:
Brown, Norman. 1965. Life Against Death: The Psychoanalytic Meaning of History
Dworkin, Andrea. 1987. Intercourse
Freud, Sigmund. 1905. Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality
Freud, Sigmund. 1905. The Interpretation of Dreams. (From: Freud – Collected Works, 2007/2010, edited by Ivan Smith)
Hiite, Shere, 1978. The Hiite Report
Koedt, Anne. 1970. The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm
Shakespeare, William. 1612. Much Ado About Nothing
Prompt: Instinct
December 30, 2016 at 1:28 pm
Brotha Darryl the only thing I have to disagree with is the rules for children. I understand prior to certain laws, Lil girls could wed men as soon as the bled. In damn near every culture, that was the norm. Also factoring that life expectancy was way shorter back then. Look at today how subliminal marketing suggests that these Lil girls show their goids. I don’t know if you’re a father, but my daughter and I talk ad nasem about how Macy’s and JCPennys etc wants these Lil girls to look sexy and fast. Then they want to tell society to stop solution shaming these Lil girls. Children as we know are sexually active younger and younger nowadays but they don’t realize the power it holds over people. Also factor in different states have different statutory laws. Also people’s opinions change nowadays too. Because if subliminal advertising, America was ok with Kylie Jenner at 16 dating a 24 year old man in Tyga. Talk to most women, they didn’t have a problem with it because women mature faster than men. So isn’t that argument contradicting? I’ve dated, interacted with, known, have family members who think it’s ok for a 15 year old girl to date a 23 year old man because they’ve done it. I have a big problem with it but that’s just my opinion. We are mammals and mammals have urges. According to researchers, dolphins are the only mammal to have sex leisurely besides humans. (How the fuck did they research that? Nevermind) Im all for consensual sex whoever it is but I’m not ok with society not teaching Lil kids the whole truth about sex.
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December 30, 2016 at 1:31 pm
Brother Tareau, thanks for reading this! But how did you interpret this if I may ask? Nothing in this essay suggests we should suspend any of those stipulations. I am only pointing out that sex is political. I didn’t take a stance on whether or not they should exist, I simply stated that they did.
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December 30, 2016 at 1:38 pm
You have to forgive me man. When you were talking about the laws of consent I took it as you were saying that a patriarch society allows these rules. Like I took it (as the reader) that you were against a patriarchal society that allows those rules for children. You have to forgive me. I just reread it and you’re 100% right. You can delete my tirade if you like but even if was like whoops, that is not what he means hahahaha.
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December 30, 2016 at 1:44 pm
Lol, it’s all good bro. If you want me to delete it, I will. Other than that, I will leave it for educational purposes, because you are raising a legitimate concern. There are certain strains of theory about sex that go to THAT extent, so your concern is not totally unwarranted. There was a theorist named Michel Foucault – who, after exchanging sexually charged letters with a 10 year old – said something to the effect of “who said it was not consensual?!” I have a 10 year old niece, and I will rock his jaw if he ever came at me like that. Trust me, I understand bro. You have young kids and it seems like the rules on sex for children are eroding
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December 30, 2016 at 1:49 pm
Yea leave it up. It shows me jumping the gun and how we react to things when we don’t fully read everything. Yea that Theorist would be missing a few limbs.
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December 31, 2016 at 12:39 pm
That’s what you get Speedy! Take your time and read what the brother said. LOL!!! 😂
But you did make some really good points that stand on their own merit. 🙏🏾
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December 31, 2016 at 1:45 pm
Dam Lady vengeance over there. I profusely apologized but lady g had to get her 2 cents in.
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December 31, 2016 at 1:45 pm
Lol!
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December 31, 2016 at 1:52 pm
Shole did! 🙂
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December 31, 2016 at 1:55 pm
Smh and I bet yo fine ass didn’t even read Dr. Garlands book.
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December 31, 2016 at 2:01 pm
But I hollered at Jasmyne though! LOL!!
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December 31, 2016 at 2:57 pm
Man her husband used my line on the Facebook message. Hahahahahahahaha
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December 31, 2016 at 3:04 pm
And since I don’t have Facebook, I am out of that loop….. LOL!!!
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December 31, 2016 at 3:41 pm
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
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December 31, 2016 at 3:42 pm
Naw I ain’t gon give nothing away ’bout her man.
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January 2, 2017 at 12:49 am
I’ve definitely done this in regular conversation….probably today lol!
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December 30, 2016 at 1:29 pm
*goids is supposed to be goods*
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December 30, 2016 at 1:30 pm
*And solution shaming is supposed to be slut shaming* I was using Google text to type
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December 31, 2016 at 12:40 pm
Hell I thought it was supposed to be gonads!
Oops! My bad😂
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February 14, 2017 at 1:02 am
You could’ve kept it as “goids”. That made sense to me somehow. lol
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December 30, 2016 at 10:15 pm
A well written article, certainly. Points well made. (Everybody winces when they see me introducing a comment by praising an article because they know I’m about to lower another boom. Well, here is is:) Earthian bodies are sex organs. Is that a problem or a good thing? Well, in terms of survival prior to civilization (and the advent of male gods) it was a wonderful thing. Then came the controllers, the “dealers in death” from the skies. They saw and sensed that amazing energetic interaction between people and they wanted to suck off of it. To do that, they had to bring it to a boil. To do that they had to create taboos against free transfer of sexual energy. They wanted the people to live in constant awareness of how much sexual need they had, how hungry they were for it and how they were constantly being morally and legally deprived of it. That was the whole point.
If you follow the Genesis biblical myth of Eden you encounter something quite amazing: Adam and Eve’s “fall” or disobedience was “punished” by making them wear the skin of animals that were killed by the Lord God. They were to be forced to henceforth wear clothing to hide themselves, and those clothes would represent death, something they knew nothing about. I can imagine the blood still dripping from those skins.
Time to dot the “i’s” and cross the “t’s”. In today’s supposedly evolved society it is still, perhaps more than ever, a viciously legalized taboo to go naked in public. Yet society in releasing itself from the control of the gods, should have gone in the opposite direction. We should all be quite comfortable in, and unaware of, our nakedness going out in public if we were mentally evolved and free beings. We should quite naturally have overcome that ancient and stupid taboo. But we are going in the opposite direction. We are ashamed of our bodies. We deny each other the pleasure of looking at one another and it’s more of a sex game played with clothing.
Why do men need sex and why are woman basically trained to offer, but deny, this to hungry men thus turning them into angry and aggressive creatures? Thus prostitution, pedophilia, misogyny and pornography are increasing exponentially along with increase in population and more restrictive taboos imposed upon the race.
You’ve done the talk about the sex thing, now let me ask this question, plainy and simply: why are we ashamed to go out naked in public, and why such amazingly stringent and persistent laws against nudity? Why the taboo? Figure that out and the problem of sex solves itself. Leave that out of the equation and the solution will never be found and children and women will continue to be enslaved, abused, and killed on the altar of repressed male sexuality.
Search and research and you will discover that the mandatory, the legalistic, statutory re: the wearing of clothing is tied in to the whole concept of civilization, and you will discover that “YOUR” civilization is entirely based on repression of human desires, needs and natural expression. Yes, the real and greatest evil facing man today is his civilization. Further to that claim, there is no solution to any of man’s great problems and rampant, obvious evils, such as racism, misogyny, oppression, war, subjugation and all forms of slavery while this current civilization exists. Every aspect of this global Earthian civilization is anti-human, utterly evil, utterly corrupt. Mark these words carefully: no fundamental change will ever, not ever, come about while any shred of this civilization still exists among mankind. Man did not create this civilization, it was, and remains, an imposition. “Who” imposed it and how did they impose and maintain such a powerful brainwashing and delusion to perpetuate itself over millennia, that’s a question for another day. But think on this: we, as a race, are slaves to a programming over which we have no control – unless we find the key to turning it off.
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December 30, 2016 at 11:08 pm
Hello Sha’Tara! Thanks, as always, for reading and taking the time to pen such well-thought responses.
I will begin by addressing your point about The Fall and the Garden of Eden. On my blog, I recently posted a two-part series titled “Against Visual Bias & No-Touch Culture”. In the first part, I describe how touch – and by extension, the body – is systematically elided in The Holy Bible and key western philosophers like Aristotle and Descartes. As you know, there is only so much that can be accomplished in the span of one blog post, without totally losing readers. So if you have a spare moment, please check out that post!
You make a good point about clothing; which, in my estimation, is an argument about the ontology of humanity. First, we must realize that humans live an existential paradox. On the one hand, we have mortal bodies that decay every second. And on the other hand, we have self-consciousness and the capacity to imagine forever. The very structure of human life is a contradiction: our flesh is going to die, but we are able to contemplate eternity. Humans, unfortunately, identify almost exclusively with our self-consciousness, and deny the body.
This tension plays out in the Garden of Eden. As long as Adam and Eve lacked knowledge (self-consciousness), they were naked and lived forever. But as soon as they acquired knowledge (self-consciousness) they realized they were naked and covered themselves up, and human flesh was marked for death. Humans deny the body because we seek to deny the death of that body. Humans want to be special and separate from other beings who have nothing but their bodies on this planet. We are, in the words of Ernest Becker, “fancy worm food”. The reason we wear clothing is because we are denying the body (up to, and including sex/nudity)- but more importantly, we are denying our mortality.
In the second part of my series on “Against Visual Bias & No-Touch Culture”, I have a section titled “the privatization of love and the socialization of violence”. In essence, I argue that small acts of affection in public are criminalized while violence is able to run free. (please check that one out, as well). This is somewhat similar to your argument about nudity in public. We hate our bodies because they die – we think we could live forever if only our hearts had longer shelf lives! Dogs are naked because they lack self-consciousness, and they live freely because they do not know they are going to die. Human beings will be able to roam nude in public when we stop denying the fact of death. This alone will cause us to appreciate our bodies and the nudity of those bodies. We need to heed the advice of Heidegger: embracing the fact of death is what makes our lives more meaningful.
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December 31, 2016 at 2:39 am
You totally missed my point, Darryl. But I expected that – no one wants to engage the deeper aspect of the legalistic approach to clothing. I could accept people wanting to hide their dying bodies, but that’s total BS, bro. People put clothing on their little children on beaches, and many who would gladly go naked on those same beaches are forced to wear ridiculous “bathing suits”…and those people aren’t thinking of hiding dying bodies. Men go to strip bars to look at naked bodies and those displaying such bodies aren’t advertising death. No, what is going on here is a general forced toeing of the societal line, that line held in place by a force, a POWER that condemns people to wear clothes as they would slave chains, and even if some of those chains are gilded, they’re still chains. It isn’t will, it isn’t choice, not at the root of it: it’s fear, not of death but of something worse, a fear induced by programming and a quasi-absolute LAW that’s tied in to civilization. Who invented those laws, and why do they keep on being enforced so powerfully? What is really, honestly, behind the clothing thing?
I’ve certainly encountered your arguments many times before, but that’s not it, sorry. OK, so forget the clothing issue and look at what under-girds it. Where does man’s CIVILIZATION come from? Surely you don’t think the numbties invented it on their own as they crawled out of their caves and hollows in the ground, looked around and someone said, let’s get civilized, shall we? Let’s invent writing and government and bureaucracies and let’s build cities, that should be, like, fun, right? How about the great pyramid and the increasing number of discovered artifacts… built by Neanderthals and slaves with wooden rollers and all because they had nothing better to do? What would DRIVE normal, naturally evolved being to suddenly decide to create a civilization, with cities and huge pointless constructs and suddenly turn on each other and begin slaughtering and enslaving each other as collectives?
Jesus! I’m pointing at the obvious: something older and much more intelligent and powerful than man; to a past that was expunged from man’s mind so he could be easier to control. I’m saying that man is responding to old programming, that the race is not in control of its civilization or of its own acts. I’m saying that civilized man is a slave of unseen and superior forces he is either too dumb to sense, or too proud to acknolwedge. And I’m saying that before civilization such control did not exist; that without civilization such control was not possible.
Earthians, even the best of them, the smartest, the most altruistic, look at the grave problems caused strictly by civilization, problems that did not exist prior to civilization (wearing of clothes and rape, or child molesting; of misogyny and racism; of conquest by war and the building of empires and of enslavement of people, animals and lands) and can only propose piece-meal solutions that cause more harm than good because they make people believe it’s actually possible to patch up a failed civilization. But people being people, they do not have the vision; the mental wherewithal; to look at something as all-encompassing as their planet-choking civilization and think, “Yup, that monstrosity is our problem; it’s killing us and our world so let’s ditch it. Let’s go back to nature of a while and let something entirely new arise on its own.” They don’t have the power within themselves to make such change. So they tinker along the edges of the tears in the sides of a sinking Titanic and raise a glass here and there to toast their efforts, and they give themselves pats on the back, and hope, as they pant after the carrot on the stick and pull harder with each new whack from the goading of the big stick. … Ah well, just talkin’ here…
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December 31, 2016 at 6:34 am
First of all, Sha’Tara – change your tone, as you are getting a bit unruly on this thread. I will remind you that this article is about patriarchy, violence, and a new sexual ethic. I do not know how you comment on other people’s threads – but I will tell you what: I am not other people. If you are going to comment on my work, you are going to address it on its own terms FIRST. This means responding to direct concerns raised in the piece and stating whether you agree or disagree and why. From there, conversation can go “off-track” to an extent. That is how it is done, should be done, and that is how it WILL be done here. I have no problem deleting comments.
Your comments have not bothered to address the EXPLICIT content of this piece beyond a distant judgment of “this is well-written” … opting instead to engage in a self-righteous more-knowledgeable-than-thou intellectual masturbation. Address the piece! You never made a coherent, explicit “point” about the “legalistic approach to clothing” that relates to my argument, so stop acting like you said something that could, or SHOULD be “engaged” by others. Your entire commentary is a soliloquy in a mirror – shadowboxing with no one in particular. Address the piece!
Just because an argument makes sense in your head, that doesn’t mean you skilfully articulated it. So cool it. You are giving yourself far too much credit here. You envision yourself “lowering a boom”, as if you are some philosophical hero that saves everyone, but all you have done is talk in a circle and outsource your responsibility of making a “point” to others by posing cryptic questions and ranting. And then, when they try to be nice and respond to your off-topic point, you accuse THEM of “missing your point” which never existed. I am not interested in reading diary entries that do not bother to engage the argument I spent a substantial amount of time researching, pondering, outlining, writing, revising, and writing again. This is not censorship … these are rules of decorum – as freedom of speech will not, on my blog, be construed to mean the right to hijack conversation and go wayyyy off track. Use YOUR blog for your rants, not mine.
Not to mention: this article posed SEVERAL questions about commodification and the ways male sexuality can be re-thought. You have no bothered to answer those … but you have the nerve to be upset that you didn’t get the “right” answers to the secondary or tertiary concerns you are raising?Lol. Listen. Maybe, just maybe, if you answer MY questions posed to EVERYONE in the actual ARTICLE I will take yours a bit more seriously.
There is a way to have a discussion – and I assure you that your commentary is NOT generative of conversation at all. I invite you to re-submit your commentary in this fashion … if not, that is fine. If you want to unfollow or stop visiting … that is fine too. But I am not going to play this game with you.
-Management
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December 31, 2016 at 12:42 pm
OKAAAAAAAAY Brah!!!!!! ROTFLMBAO!!!!
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December 31, 2016 at 12:47 pm
Lol, I said this before I typed that: “this is gonna hurt me more than its gonna hurt you”. I didn’t wanna do thattt … its the holidays! but …*shrugs shoulders* lol
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December 31, 2016 at 1:11 pm
Oh well! If you give it, you gotsta be able to take it!!!😂✨✨✨
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December 31, 2016 at 1:25 pm
Straight up lol!
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January 1, 2017 at 11:47 pm
Forgive me, Darryl.
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January 2, 2017 at 7:26 am
Thanks. Of course I forgive you, Sha’Tara! 😀
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December 31, 2016 at 1:33 am
Well written! This topic is one of my major concerns as I observe society with an eye of social scientist.
I would like to share my point of view about objectifying women in terms of sexual intercourse. Pornography on a larger context is showing violent acts linked with pleasure during intercourse or even in the foreplay, which is sad. This, unfortunately, is shaping the understanding and mindset of youth about ‘spanking’, ‘slapping’ or ‘releasing all over her face’ sort of acts as pleasurable in sex. It only makes the women look not more than as valuable as any subordinated prisoner who is being used to satisfy wild lust. I wound say, such practices being portrayed not only in pornography but in literary novels and movies as well are leading our people astray.
True meaning of lovemaking, I believe, is beautiful. It is an act of celebrating Love in my eye.
When I see or realize that how dirty it has become counting on all those reasons, that you have mentioned in your post too, it is heart breaking.
I hope that people who think ‘smashing’, ‘beating’ and ‘hitting’ are the ways you make love and enjoy pleasure, open their eyes and know someday that all this is what I’d say you have learned and ignored your insight which values what is natural. I hope that the painfully offensive practices in sexual intercourse are denied on a larger scale while being recognized as it’s true meanings – objectification of women.
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December 31, 2016 at 7:38 am
Hello Habiba! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
I agree with you: pornography is leading us astray. The footage is directed by men for predominantly (87%) male audiences. Films tend to focus on foreplay only as long as the man is receiving pleasure (woman depicted as “serving” him on her knees). Aside from that, there is a fixation with insertion and, as you pointed out, “releasing on her face”, which is typically referred to as the “money shot”. A growing genre of pornography is the P.O.V.: Point of View. In this type of film, the face of the male is rendered invisible and only his torso and genitalia appears – whilst the woman is completely naked and visible at all times. I contend that this has a religious aspect to it. We cannot see God, but God can see us at all times. And, not seeing the face of the male means that any male can live vicariously through the act of degradation on the screen.
And you make an excellent point: pornography is not limited to that which is on the screen, it is all over. We live in a pornographic society. This reminds me of the fact that the most popular day for the sex trafficking of women and girls is when the Super Bowl takes place. At a certain point, the violence of pornography and the toxic masculinity of sports intersect to have an even more disastrous impact on women.
And yes: there is a difference between making love, which is beautiful, and conveying hate to others via “beating” and “hitting” during intercourse. A lot of people dismiss this behavior as mere “kinks”, right? Have you heard these responses? They typically say “we get pleasure from BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, masochism) and you should stop shaming us for it!” But these are just ways of cloaking the objectification of women. If women are dominated politically, economically, and socially … and are being tied up and beaten for “fun” in bed, sexual intercourse is one of the ways patriarchy is strengthened.
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December 31, 2016 at 12:26 pm
You are right. And I certainly am aware of people’s opinions as you mentioned ‘kinks’ which is sad. I believe these people are not even fully aware of what they think to possess as desires or likes. Again I’d say they are mislead by all means we discussed above.
Thank you so for sharing this knowledgeable post. I agree with the content that you have come forward with.
Best
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December 31, 2016 at 12:28 pm
Absolutely true! Thanks! I hope you have a Happy New Year!
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December 31, 2016 at 2:21 pm
You’re welcome. Happy new year to you too! Cheers
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December 31, 2016 at 1:07 pm
Darryl this post was so well researched and so well written.
As you may know, I took quite a few women’s studies courses as an undergraduate so I am very familiar with this material.
I think you did an excellent job of presenting it in a very intelligent and thoughtful fashion.
That said, I would love to hear your take on “motherhood” from a sociopolitical perspective.
I’m thinking it would take a new post to adequately address it but I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I am aware that that topic could go in many different directions- feel free to take it wherever you choose but I am thinking specifically of mother as both “creator” and sometimes “destroyer.” Understand that I use the term “destroyer” for lack of a better word —but I think you get my meaning.
Lots of politics associated with a woman’s choice to become a mother – let alone the choices that she is often forced to make as a result of having children.
Honestly I decided to ask you to address the concept of “mother” after reading some of what you said in Tareau’s “Fences” post.
I think you’d do a stellar job.
PS: If you’ve already done such a detailed post, my apologies; just point me to the link.
Bravo!!!
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December 31, 2016 at 1:25 pm
Hi Lady G! Thank you so much! To be honest, I was worried about what women would think of this post. I did not study sexism in school, so a bit of this is based on my own research. Hearing you have a much stronger background in this, and by virtue of being a woman – and saying it was good makes me feel … exonerated! Lol
This post was, of course, also inspired by the conversation we had a while back about pornography and it’s impact on sex.
Hmm.. what you say about mother as destroyer and creator sounds really interesting. I have not written about this – I am only now starting to “see the light” around patriarchy. I do have a few thoughts in mind. Most of my blogs address race and class, but there is a silence around women. I am trying to remedy that, not just for the blog … but also for my daily interactions with my mother, sister, girlfriend, etc, you know?
What are your thoughts about motherhood? Your words will be more influential than anything I could read at the library! ☺
Thanks for pushing my understanding on these topics!
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December 31, 2016 at 1:52 pm
First, let me say kudos to you for deciding to address issues that affect the women in your life.
And yes, you did a spectacular job on this post!
Historically, women have, for years, had to make life and death decisions regarding the well being of their children. As you know, during slavery mothers often contemplated or completed the killing of a child rather than to allow it to endure such a cruel and heinous life sentence.
Well, women still make these decisions today-albeit for less severe reasons but for serious reasons nonetheless.
Think about how some folks want the government to be “hands off” on every topic but a woman’s womb!
Religion or frivolity aside, the mother, as the bearer of the child, often has to decide not to carry an infant to term for very complex reasons.
Ironically, and I think we might have discussed this before, the same folks who want her to carry the baby to term are the same folks who say, “I don’t want to give you a dime to take care of YOUR child.”
And…
If she decides to keep her child, she will shoulder a heavy load. One that comes with many hidden costs -financially, emotionally, professionally, socially, spiritually and the list goes on…and on….
Baybee ( And you know I say that respectfully and lovingly) mothers have a long row to hoe in this society; often without much help from the fathers (Not always but way too often.)
So those are a few of my thoughts.
There is so much more that can be said though.
Anyway, I still think that you could compose an excellent post on this topic–even if you don’t agree with what I’ve said here 🙂
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December 31, 2016 at 3:42 pm
This is a great synthesis! I absolutely agree with everything you’ve said. Mothers are in a contradictory position – invisible but yet expected to hold up the weight of these institutions. I have a few thoughts in mind for how to address this! Thanks fam 😀
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December 31, 2016 at 3:47 pm
YAAASSSS! I knew you would😉
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January 1, 2017 at 3:27 pm
I had a long slowment and just discovered that I can reply to comments on reader, but not on your site. Anyhoo, you know in movies you often see the man “getting his” while the woman is disappointed and it’s made into more of a joke than a problem. When the whole makeup, as you stated, is a problem. Thanks for recognizing this!
Habiba pretty much summed up my sentiments. Why is an orgasm [almost always] the ultimate goal? And what’s the rush? Ugh. With the right partner, much pleasure can be had in eye contact, conversation, slow dancing-SO many avenues really. Orgasming is a mere bonus.
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January 1, 2017 at 4:32 pm
Hey Kelley! Happy New Year!
Hmm…I’ve had a similar problem with reader vs going to the site. I think it is a WordPress glitch (?) I downloaded the WP app on my phone, and it usually allows me to comment on everyone’s page.
You are right: there are several ways to obtain and experience pleasure. The orgasm is just the icing on the cake. People act like the orgasm is the ultimate objective … as if pleasure is a hierarchy. Its not! It is more like a spectrum!
And, yes – to the extent that orgasms are portrayed in movies, the pleasure of the woman is always scoffed at. What you say about rushing and focusing on orgasm reminds me of a joke from the late great Bernie Mac. Have you ever seen the original Kings of Comedy show that came out like 16-17 years ago? Bernie had a point in his act where he talked about sex. His entire perspective on the matter is focused on the genitals and orgasm, rushing the sexual encounter, and beckoning to violence. He has the typical male attitude of “you better get yours [orgasm] before I get mine, or you’re fresh out of luck!” Here are two short videos below from that act:
*Harsh language, viewer discretion is advised lol*
*if the links do not work, please go to YouTube and type in: “Bernie Mac Bust a Nut”, and “Bernie Mac I Got Mine”
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January 1, 2017 at 5:24 pm
Bernie is a fool! His expressions were it, nothing else was funny. Sounds lazy and self-serving to me, two MAJOR turn offs. I mean if you’re really into someone, from my experience, you take some time to learn them, right? Every part. You get pleasure from pleasuring them. If he/she is just a buddy or someone you don’t respect, sure, get yours and get out-minus the violence of course! [But also make that intention clear from the get go.]
And I’m one of those old farts who doesn’t use too many apps, but I might have to download WP onto this new phone. Thank you!
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January 1, 2017 at 5:26 pm
Real talk! The only thing I laughed at was that little smirk he made half way through his routine. His actual routine is deeeeeeply problematic! Those thoughts are exactly what we needs to be detoxed!
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January 2, 2017 at 5:03 pm
I just want to say I literally read your post and all of the comments and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I am sitting back reading, learning, laughing at the shady parts, and thinking. I will say a woman’s pleasure is secondary to a man’s in this patriarchy and as a woman, it’s frustrating as fuck. lol I just have to be honest. (Obviously, I had some experience in this lazy, self-serving way of thinking from some men… thanks Kelley for the right words. lol) Also, to enlighten the mood, I found this part really funny: “The thought of my sweet, innocent mother in the heat of passion is too much for my fragile conscience to handle. Now I understand why The Bible says Jesus Christ had a virgin birth! lol” Great post! I learned a lot. Honestly, I am not well-versed with history so whenever I read it or watch it from an interesting perspective, I appreciate it so thanks!
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January 2, 2017 at 5:29 pm
I am glad I was able to make you laugh and think about this! You put it beautifully: “a woman’s pleasure is secondary to a man’s in this patriarchy” … and I imagine that must be frustrating. And men wonder why a lot of women say “chivalry is dead”! Lol. There is so much more we can do with each other, but we do not “count” this as pleasure. Thank you for reading! 😀
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January 5, 2017 at 9:07 am
I love this way too much . Thats the only way i know how to decribe how your post made me feel.
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January 5, 2017 at 9:10 am
Wow. I am humbled and happy this had an impact on you!
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January 12, 2017 at 10:30 am
Hahah to add to that y’all some people are just not affectionate. I’m the cupcake king. Cupcaking out here is cuddling, hand holding, kissing, touching, feeling, giggling, etc. Alot of dudes do not cupcake. They just fuck and that’s it. But also alot of women are not affectionate as well. Just in my experiences.
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January 12, 2017 at 10:49 am
Lol. That is comforting to hear! I agree: a lot of men are not affectionate. To be honest, as I was growing up, being affectionate toward women was scoffed at as “being gay” by male friends. The only way one could gain the recognition of male friends was by being cold toward women. Perhaps this is why some women are inclined toward male R & B artists who present a sort of “soft masculinity” in their love songs: Teddy Pendergrass, Marvin Gaye, Prince, Mint Condition, etc – because they are talking about “cupcaking” or a new sexual ethic.
Interesting to hear about non-affectionate women! Can you elaborate more on that? What do you think are the underlying reasons?
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January 12, 2017 at 12:53 pm
Personal Experience:
Molestation, rape, trust issues, body issues etc. Also some ladies not having that womanly bond with their mother. The lack of courtship as well. Like you said, if you’re young and you want to have sex but you don’t want to “put in the work” to earn sex then that’s the problem. Like how do just skip getting to know someone romantically? Also another problem is people confuse love for romance and vice versa. There’s alot of things that factor into rejection of affection but in my experiences with ladies those are some of the main things
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January 12, 2017 at 12:59 pm
Interesting! Thanks for sharing bro! It is amazing how we attempt to ameliorate trauma through romantic relationships … but often times lack the knowledge to get out of the cycle
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January 12, 2017 at 12:55 pm
Personal Experience:
Molestation, rape, trust issues, body issues etc. Also some ladies not having that womanly bond with their mother. The lack of courtship as well. Like you said, if you’re young and you want to have sex but you don’t want to “put in the work” to earn sex then that’s the problem. Like how do just skip getting to know someone romantically? Also another problem is people confuse love for romance and vice versa. There’s alot of things that factor into rejection of affection but in my experiences with ladies those are some of the main things.
Also let’s factor in that girls are self conscience due to just the hardships of being ladies. How many times as men we hear elder women tell young girls that “Oh you need to eat something you to skinny” or ” you need to lose weight” and the young ladies aren’t even in puberty yet.
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January 12, 2017 at 1:01 pm
That’s a good point about body image. A woman cannot just BE, she has to put on a mask to become something else. She is constantly in competition with a fantasy woman who is skinnier, thicker, etc. This ruins the sexual experience because we are moreso recognizing the mask than anything, in some cases
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January 12, 2017 at 1:11 pm
It’s sad man. I don’t know if you have a daughter(I know you would be an excellent dad) but lemme share a quick experience. I once was gonna let my daughter do ballet lessons until (mind you she was 3 at the time) but when the instructor said that she was “too big” I quit right then and there. “Too big” same with cheerleaders. “Well Mr. Barron we would love to have your daughter on the squad, she can be the base of the pyramid”
If there’s any ladies out there please note that ballet and cheerleaders (generally speaking) promote very bad things about our young ladies especially if they are color. And the thing that’s sad is these companies will tell society that girls need these programs for self esteem and camaraderie which is just a false narrative to get money. Keep in mind I’m speaking on my own experiences
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January 12, 2017 at 1:28 pm
Thank you bro, and it is evident you are an excellent dad! It is good you did not subject your daughter to that kind of devaluation. Smart move! You are right man, the self esteem of women is routinely sacrificed so people can make bank off of it.
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January 27, 2017 at 11:10 pm
I’m sure I’m going to sound completely disturbed when I say this lol… but the entire time while reading, I kept thinking of the emotional and verbal violence that often accompanies the post-sex experience as well. Take the emotional after-effects of a woman being misled or deceived emotionally for sexual gain… the slut-shaming for her sexual “indiscretions” … how society minimizes her worth/devalues her with an increase in sexual partners… or the implications of her being asked to abort child. I guess a lot of that plays into those social stigmas that you mentioned!
There’s such a division not just in how women and men experience sex, but also in that post-sexual experience. The rift in which sex can cause (or has caused) in relationships is no secret. Consider the ways in which sex has resulted in the end of a union or partnership between two people – issues with infertility, adultery, lack of gratification, etc. Sex (as I see it) very often is the cause of division in relationships; which is why I found it’s derivative being “to divide” (and its association with DEATH) so interesting.
Honestly…I wonder how much more pleasurable our sexual experiences would be if we didn’t have so many rules and stigmas around it. I also wonder if we could ever reach that point of intercourse (per Hiite) with “less thrusting and more embracing/or touching of the entire body” with these emotional disconnects. Really…how likely are we to enjoy that soft touch or creative foreplay when the emotional connection between us is often lacking? Not to discredit the impact of orgasm-focused sex, but what part does casual sex over true intimacy play in our relations becoming repetitive and boring?
I really loved how Dworkin explained a man’s attempt to expresses the geography of his domination during sex. Makes me think of of how critical men are over a woman’s sexual history (body count). Just another way men seem to view their women as part of their domain. Crazy stuff!
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January 28, 2017 at 12:53 pm
Hey Josie – none of what you said sounded disturbed lol! You have raised some great points and questions! The post-sexual experiences of women are often horrible. One comes immediately to the top of my head. Since we live in the age of technology, there is now an entire genre of pornography known as “revenge porn” – where a man convinces the woman to send him naked photos, or to have sex on camera (or he hacks her devices and/or records without her consent) and then uses the material as leverage to blackmail her. He can then say “if you do not continue to have sex with me, I will send this to your boss, your family, etc”. The Internet is swamped with images of women who were vulnerable in their sexual encounters and were betrayed. And this goes back to what Dworkin was saying: men get OFF on violating women. The erection is much stronger and the orgasm is more pleasurable when a woman is being victimized. Equality = erectile dysfunction. Oppression = the ultimate turn-on. When our government – led by men – insists on cutting access to abortion, paying women less, etc – this is to maintain the quality of their orgasms lol.
What you said about post-sexual encounters also makes me think about the way human bodies are sexualized differently. Ever notice how men can run around in public with no shirt on, but it is not acceptable if women do so? Even when a woman breastfeeds in public she catches hell. This is because the male body is basically de-sexualized … the male body does not, in itself, have a sexual meaning attached to it (lets just pretend race doesn’t exist for a moment, as that is another can of worms lol). The female body, on the other hand, is always-already sexualized. This explains why men describe sex as “getting some” … because women “possess” sex while men do not. Men are congratulated for having a “body count” or an extensive “resume” – because they “got” something. But women are shamed for having sex because they “gave” something away. Men are seen as punks until they lose their virginity; women are seen as whores when they give their virginity away. This impacts our post-sexual experiences because a lot of men are interested in quantity, while women are interested in quality. Generally, men are congratulated for having more partners, women are congratulated for having less partners (being married). Men and women seem to be playing two different games – so we are bound to fail.
Like you, I wonder how much more pleasurable sex would be if we did not have all of these stigmas. Here is a question: does sex require stigmas to register a higher level of pleasure? Do we stigmatize that which we are most interested in to create a sense of danger and adventure – thus making it more pleasurable when we do it?
And you are absolutely right: we are not going to enjoy the new sexual ethic described by Hiite with emotional disconnections. I read her as challenging us to touch differently and, by viewing our partners more as human, we will feel differently. What do you think are some ways to mend these disconnections?
I think casual sex plays a huge role in relationships becoming boring. I am all for having a “quickie” when the mood is right and the circumstances are limited (time/space) – but that type of sex all the time is harmful and boring. We have touch receptors all over our bodies. We have five senses (if fortunate) – we need to make sure we are using ALL of them during sex.
Remember when Missy Elliot came out with that song saying “break me off, show me what you got, because I don’t want no more minute men”. She was basically shaming her male partners for ejaculating too quickly. Thing is: men are ejaculating quickly most likely because they are nervous. There are so many rules and demands with sex now (i.e. you have to have a penis that is this big, you need to have sex for this long, etc) – so instead of men enjoying the encounter and relaxing, they are so inside their heads that they cannot handle it. Sex should not be a competition, or an event to shame our partners for not “measuring up”. Maybe if the sexes stopped putting pressure on one another and took some of Hiite’s advice, stuff like premature ejaculation would not be such an issue.
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January 29, 2017 at 12:16 pm
“Revenge porn” – Did you create and assign that label yourself or is it really an official title? Lol I have to know! Although I’ve been fortunate not to experience “revenge porn” first-hand, I’ve witnessed it on a few occasions with close friends. Not only is it used as blackmail to possess a woman sexually, but also in an attempt to save face/salvage a damaged ego or hurt pride after a “betrayal” of some sort. Considering this, and that much of “revenge porn” takes place post-sex (cutting abortion, wage discrimination) how strongly can we tie it to maintaining the quality of their orgasms vs. egocentrism? Or…do the two thrive off of each other?
The breakdown you provided of our bodies and how they are(n’t) sexualized … wow! I shared this perspective at work also, and we were all very intrigued. It’s true, the measure of “gaining” vs “giving” in regard to gender. How can we ever be synchronized or harmonious in our sexual encounters when operating from two different agendas? Even if women were to change their agenda to match that of a man’s, there would still be discourse as her sexual freedom would then prevent her from being seen as a conquest. Damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t! Unless we alter the male agenda in some way, changing the terms and conditions around his conquest, our relationships as you said are doomed to fail.
As for stigmas and how they feed into our sexual pleasure…good question! Personally, I don’t feel it’s stigmas that register a higher level of pleasure. Rather it’s the control involved in creating them – establishing a “norm” and being able to categorize one’s self as such. Although there is definitely a fascination with that which we stigmatize, I question what comes first – the chicken or the egg. Do we stigmatize that which we are fascinated by? Or are we fascinated by certain things because they’ve been stigmatized?
YES I remember Missy’s little jam haha! *doing a little dance*. Although I’m not a fan of shaming anyone for their sexual performance, I do feel that a man’s lackluster sexual performance is the only defense mechanism women truly have in a society where our entire existence is sexualized and constantly measured up against other women. You asked what I think are some of the ways to mend the human disconnection…that would be a great start. That “little” (no pun intended) leverage is sometimes the only thing that keeps women, I feel, from being rendered completely powerless in erotic humiliation. Men possess, execute and abuse so much of their dominance over the tone of sexual experiences that I struggle to sympathize with the few rules and demands placed over them. I also question who is responsible for turning sex into a competition. lol
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January 29, 2017 at 5:57 pm
Lol – “revenge porn” is an actual genre. It includes at least two scenarios like this: a wife feels neglected by her husband so she goes out and has sex with another man as “revenge”. And the revenge is intensified when the other man is framed as her husband’s friend or brother or boss – or when the wife is white and the other man is black. Another scenario is a woman who somehow offends a man (i.e. talking back, withholding sex, etc) – so now she has to be put “in check” through rough sex (i.e. ropes, chains, mouth-gags, hard and fast thrusting, name-calling, etc) with her as punishment/revenge. It’s wild!
Sorry to hear about the blackmailing that happened to your friends. Glad you haven’t been the victim of this. You make a good point about it being used to salvage a failed relationship – almost in a way to save face and get the “last word”. It’s often an attempt to end the relationship on one’s terms instead of the other person’s. Very true.
I like how you are connecting revenge porn to cuts in abortion and wage discrimination. They definitely go hand and hand! Our fantasies precede and shape our politics – so I think that our porn habits say a lot about who we are. Porn is watched, for the most part, by men. In 2015 and 2016, the most commonly searched porn term in the USA was “lesbian”. American men love to see women together during sex, but they demonize other forms of unity among women – like the Women’s March. The real problem men have with the Women’s March is that they had their clothes on. Protest naked next time! If men were as enthusiastic about reproductive rights as they are about lesbian porn, the world would be a much better place, right?!
Good question about improving orgasms vs egocentrism. I think they go together: men can only define themselves as “men” when women are somehow degraded. I see this in everyday, seemingly normal interactions. For instance, imagine two men (friends with each other) are walking down the street, and a woman is walking up the street. The men and the woman are facing each other, and will inevitably pass on the sidewalk. I am sure you know what happens next: one of the men starts speaking to her in a disrespectful manner about sex, as the other man either joins in, or cheers him on. This is what constructs the male ego: degrading the woman to boost one’s self, AND having the approval of another man in some fashion. In a sexist society, it is world by men, for men. Thus, men have to prove their manhood to other men, and the main way to do this is to “have” a woman. The woman is not recognized as a person, she is recognized as an opportunity to gain manhood. She is a means to an end. The whole scene is homoerotic: he is not simply seeking recognition from the woman, he is seeking recognition from the other man. The woman is just the vehicle for getting there. There is an old saying: “you should never kiss and tell”. I would argue that most men kiss women so they can tell men or be recognized by men as a “man”. The telling is more important than the kissing. If men could not tell, the pleasure of kissing would be ruined. In a sense, women do not properly “exist” in a sexist society as human; women can only be recognized as objects. I know you said you have a lot of reading to catch up on, but if you have a spare moment, please check out my piece called “Love Cannot Be Captured” – it was inspired by a Dr. Garland statement, and I lay out a lot of arguments about the (im)possibility of love under conditions of sexism and objectification. I would love your take on it =D
You asked: “how can we ever be synchronious or harmonious in our sexual encounters when operating from different agendas?” This, my friend, is a one million dollar question lol. Great word choice with “agendas” – because I do not think there is anything ‘natural’ about what we do. I think it is a political/social agenda to keep men superior and women inferior. Thus, the only way to be synchronized and harmonious in our sexual encounters is to eradicate the systems that place men on top and women at the bottom: sexism, capitalism, and racism. When we transcend these forms of structural inequality, reproductive rights for women will be widespread, there will be no wage discrimination, etc – and this will place the sexes on leveled ground. What do you think can/will help synchronize the agendas of the sexes? Is a revolution necessary to do so? Or can it be accomplished on a much smaller scale in another way?
I feel what you are saying about sexual stigmas. They are a form of control, most definitely. Some of them are necessary – like incest. I can see it both ways with the chicken or the egg thing, that is difficult! Kinda side note: you know what I find interesting/hilarious/creepy? Some of the highest ranking porn search terms are “MILF” (Mother I’d Like to F***) and “Stepsister”. It seems as if a lot of men have a thing for very close family members lol. Freud would have a field day with this stuff – because he said men secretly want their mothers, and try to find women “close” to their mothers.
I feel you: to be honest, I think men turned sex into a competition. Everything is so quantitative: how big her breasts and butt are, how small her waist is, what your “body count” is. Even those articles in magazines about what the “average” penis size is, or how long men on “average” last in bed … these are still quantitative thoughts. More than that, these thoughts are very homoerotic. I am no good at math, but I DO know that the average is simply the number in the middle of small numbers and big numbers. When men are focusing on “averages” so they can give pleasure to their woman, they are typically interested in the penises and sexual performances of OTHER men. Just like the sidewalk scenario, men have to find ways to involve other men in the heterosexual encounters with women. I say this not to say that homosexuality is “bad”, I think the opposite. I think that masculinity is based on the recognition of men while at the same time denying the possibility of homosexual expression. You know what I’m saying? Football is very violent and full of men. But we always see these dudes slapping each other’s asses and jumping on each other. What is that all about? Just good sportsmanship? Or does the spectacle of a bunch of strong men provide the ultimate “cover” for men who, perhaps unconsciously, want the affection of other men?
Missy Elliot was only saying what she was taught in a man’s world: that sex is about measurements. But sex is supposed to transcend time and space, right? I mean … one person is on top of the other, or one person is literally inside the other – so there is no such thing as “space” because the borders of our bodies have been collapsed; and, if we are vulnerable enough, we lose track of time completely. Sex should be anti-measurement.
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February 1, 2017 at 6:21 am
Very interesting, professor!
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February 1, 2017 at 9:51 am
Haha, thanks for tuning in my friend =D
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February 1, 2017 at 11:12 am
You are welcome Darryl! You have been very busy while I have been away, I see … Lots of catching up to do my friend! 🙂
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February 18, 2017 at 2:18 am
Well perhaps within our psyche still is primitive measures to find sex which strangely turns us on as long as we arent actually violent maybe its good
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February 18, 2017 at 2:32 am
I agree: sex is embedded in the unconscious alongside violent impulses
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February 18, 2017 at 2:35 am
I agree. We arent that far advanced minds yet. Hope you enjoy my blogs also
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February 21, 2017 at 7:42 pm
Whoah! This is exactly what I am looking for. Your post is straightforward! I love your writing – it really makes sense. Way to go professor!
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February 21, 2017 at 8:07 pm
Hi Georgina! Thank you for reading! Glad you found it useful ☺ Lol @ professor!
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March 2, 2017 at 10:51 am
i think sexual harrasement is primitive
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March 2, 2017 at 11:03 am
Interesting. Can you elaborate on that statement a bit more, please?
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February 2, 2017 at 7:57 am
Thank you for the re-post!
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