When a personal setback or national tragedy takes place, many people are searching for explanations. In the understandable desire to alleviate anxiety, a popular phrase is typically offered: everything happens for a reason. While uttered in a spirit of good intentions, this line of thinking is problematic for at least three reasons.
First, it is a disempowering worldview. People are framed as mere actors in a play directed by an external force. We become puppets who do nothing more than regurgitate from a script. Control is theorized as being outside the individual; thus reducing humanity to an instrument. Such an idea wages a frontal assault on agency and responsibility – sending the message that beings are just -and can only be- means to an end. Depending on the psychological makeup of each person, this could strengthen the original feeling of despondency that it seeks to ameliorate. Alternatively, this perspective might encourage a flight from reality to a world of sacred illusions where invisible Fathers have all the answers.
Second, the phrase raises more questions than it answers. Asserting that there is a reason does not even remotely address what that reason is. It’s like raising your hand to solve a problem in math class by stating: “I know there is an answer”… but never giving it. It’s a pointless rhetorical exercise that wastes everybody’s time.
And unless the speaker has psychic abilities, it is unknown whether that reason is good. The ‘reason’ is a mystery and one is forced to speculate. Without concrete facts, it is an empty declaration. Therefore, the cliché should not be presented as a statement – it should be framed as a question. We are really asking: everything happens for a reason, right? In some instances, the saying is more suitable as a prayer: everything happens for a reason, O Lord!
Third, the phrase promotes paralysis. In the face of social injustice, it is imperative that people organize and act to change their conditions. There must be an active resistance. However, the impulse of this phrase (the word ‘everything’) suggests that our decadent civilization is a self-correcting system that does not require intervention. So stay home! Sit back! Relax!
How convenient!?
Prompt: Criticize
Zone of Non-being 
February 8, 2017 at 6:07 pm
“Asserting that there is a reason does not even remotely address what that reason is. It’s like raising your hand to solve a problem in math class by stating: “I know there is an answer”… but never giving it.”
I HATE when people say “everything happens for a reason.” Pastors and Christians are known for saying this. MY pastor said it to me: “God has allowed everything that has happened to you for a reason.” Well, what the hell WERE the reasons for all of the horrible things that happened to me? I want to know, but of course he has never given an answer, because there is no reason. There’s no reason for children to be raped or abused. There’s no reason for good people to be murdered.
Another thing I hate hearing people say is: “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” My pastor also said this to me. I thought: “Let’s see you go through what I’ve been through, and am currently going through, then tell me how YOU feel.” SMDH.
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February 8, 2017 at 7:29 pm
Great points. It is a very religious idea that falls back upon the notion of “God’s Will” which seeks to make sense of every single tragedy. Everything is part of the master plan. You are right: there is no reason people should be raped or abused, and saying there is one just normalizes it.
The phrase “Stop feeling sorry for yourself” is easy to say from a distance, because one does not have to shoulder the psychological weight of it all. It’s dismissive. That is a good reply to offer!
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February 8, 2017 at 7:43 pm
Right right. I really like the breakdown of number two. I know when I hear it I just wanna say “stfu”. I know it comes from a good place, but sometimes it’s better to be silent then speak such an empty phrase like this, especially if someone is grieving. Like you said, it should be formed into a question if it must be used, like let’s discuss and put a flame behind it; maybe we can prevent it from happening again or create some kind of strategy for healing or whatever’s needed.
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February 8, 2017 at 8:07 pm
LOL – we have the same exact impulse when hearing it. I agree: I prefer silence to stupidity. When someone is grieving, they do not necessarily need the death to be rationalized – they often need understanding and support. And it’s such a lazy phrase: it just dismisses a person’s pain without even tryingggg, as you said, to create a strategy to prevent it from happening again.
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February 8, 2017 at 7:55 pm
I feel like it’s a pardox. Like saying if I throw a penny and a gust of wind makes that penny curves and it hits someone by accident. My intentions was not to harm someone, it was just to throw a penny. So saying “everything happens for a reason” would imply that the wind/air wanted me personally to hit that person. Sigh* now my head hurts from over thinking hahahahaha
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February 8, 2017 at 8:09 pm
Lol. I feel you bro. In the penny example, it assigns ill-intentions to you when you were just trying to have a bit of fun. Some things are just … random, right? We cannot account for everything!
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February 8, 2017 at 8:59 pm
I think we as humans, are not supposed to know certain things. Hahahaha. And I really did throw that dam penny and it hit my coworker.
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February 8, 2017 at 11:11 pm
Reblogged this on bookmarkchronicles.
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February 8, 2017 at 11:26 pm
Hey thanks for the reblog! It’s funny: when I first started writing this, it was going to be a list of my pet peeves. I was going to link to your blog because your pet peeves posts that I read were great and inspired me! “Everything happens for a reason” was at the top of the list – but I ended up writing so much that I had to release it separately lol.
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February 9, 2017 at 9:19 am
Really? That’s awesome! If you end up writing that much for the next one you could release them in stages and it could be like a little series, that’d be cool!
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February 9, 2017 at 5:14 pm
Yes that would be cool! Great idea! Thanks =D
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February 9, 2017 at 11:19 pm
No problem, I look forward to reading the rest
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February 9, 2017 at 2:29 am
I struggle with the “God’s will” saying, because of the fact that bad things happen to good people. It can actually bring me to tears if I am say, praying for my family to be safe and knowing very well there is a possibility they will not be safe from everything. Which means for me I have to learn to be ok with Life no matter what happens, period. Especially since I will probably never ever find out what the “reason” is. Ok, that’s enough for my brain.
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February 9, 2017 at 2:39 am
I feel you. The “God’s Will” phrase presents a problem for me as well. It doesn’t get at the fact that there is cruelty in the world.
You are right: we have to understand that life is unpredictable and uncontrollable in many ways. This is frightening and beautiful. The mystery of the universe is not a problem to solve, it is a reality to embrace. When we realize that, we decrease a lot of our anxiety.
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February 9, 2017 at 2:42 am
Frightening and beautiful, yes.
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February 9, 2017 at 3:59 am
When I was younger, I used to like this phrase ‘everything happens for a reason’, It was, I guess, an explanation, but it became a platitude. Also, this type of thinking is what makes a lot of people ‘turn against god’. They just get mad. Later in life when I began to study quantum physics and metaphysics I came to believe more in vibratory energy — the energy we put out is what we are getting back from the universe. It sounds like this should fix all our problems — just keep ‘good vibes’ and all will be well! But that is not so either. We all have too much baggage collectively and individually to keep a constant ‘good vibe., And besides that, a ‘forced’ good vibe is nothing more that bad energy! You cannot fake or deceive your own quanta. So this explains why we are often in bad shape. Still, understanding this was better for me than the annoying, ‘god’s will’ or ‘everything happens for a reason’. I have a favorite spiritual phrase “This too shall pass.” That one seems to work for me, because at least we know the bad times are not forever. Energy and quanta are constantly shifting.
Great and thoughtful piece as usual Darryl! 🙂
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February 9, 2017 at 4:55 pm
Hey Christine! Thanks!
I agree: the notion of “God’s Will” is annoying. It is a euphemism for “stop whining and accept it.” I like what you’ve said about our energy in the universe – it is certainly many steps above ‘everything happens for a reason’ because it centers the individual. The phrase “this too shall pass” is great. I have heard this before in spiritual circles; I wish I heard it more! It acknowledges that one’s circumstances are only temporary, so we have the ability to transcend and be free.
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February 9, 2017 at 11:32 pm
Yes, I think the phrase ‘this too shall pass’ is derived from a few different spiritual sources, but certainly a positive and empowering message. Besides — we often forget how temporary things actually are, thus giving a lot of weight to ‘bad times’. Teaching a blind acceptance is not good — rendering people powerless. Anyway, both phrases have been a big part of my life, in one way or another, so it is interesting that you chose to write about this!
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February 9, 2017 at 5:47 am
My problem with “everything happens for a reason” is it implies an Outside Being who is manipulating things–and the natural next question is, “Why is that Supreme Being making such immoral and unethical choices?” I mean, I would make better choices than that God, because I wouldn’t allow this or that suffering. So either God isn’t good, or God isn’t involved. I prefer saying, “I don’t know the end of the story,” when I’m faced with suffering. That means I can change my suffering into something that ends well, by learning from it, or responding to it in a positive way.
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February 9, 2017 at 5:01 pm
Hi Michelle! Great point about the morals and ethics of the Supreme Being. Saying “everything happens for a reason” serves two functions with respect to God: 1). it says that He has everything under control, and 2). it simultaneously removes Him from scrutiny because of the implication that the ‘reason’ is automatically good.
This reminds me of that George Carlin bit; when he said that if THIS (Earth with all of its misery) is the best that God can do … he is not impressed.
Like you, I would prefer to not know the end of my story. It does not, in any way, shape, or form comfort me to know that there is a man up in the sky watching over me. I find it creepy.
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February 13, 2017 at 10:12 pm
Yeah, kind of creepy like that Elf of the Shelf thing. What’s that about?
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February 13, 2017 at 10:15 pm
Great point! That Elf Shelf idea is the pinnacle of surveillance. In the old Christmas song, it says “he [Santa] sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake”.
It sounds like the Elf Shelf idea takes this a step further. So now, not only does Santa see you all the time – but now an Elf, which is placed in a different room everyday, can see you … thus forcing you to behave at all times.
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February 13, 2017 at 10:19 pm
just like god. full circle.
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February 13, 2017 at 10:21 pm
Exactly! It’s the same ol’ stuff over and over!
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February 9, 2017 at 4:08 pm
I enjoyed hearing the logic of this topic – why looking for a reason can be unhelpful and add to the suffering of the person we might be wanting to offer comfort to. I feel frustrated when I’m told everything happens for a reason – mostly because it’s an assertion and also because it adds to a sense of distress and confusion if I tell myself that this pain was ‘done’ to me. I prefer the approach you describe which is to observe what is, have compassion for the impact and choose what we do next – hopefully out of kindness and wisdom. I do want to say that I think the reason we may default to saying ‘things happen for a reason’ is that we’re trying to connect with human needs that I think we all share – such as hope, wanting to make sense of things, having a sense of purpose, knowing we matter etc. When I connect to those needs, there are many other things I can choose to say or do instead to meet more of those needs.
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February 9, 2017 at 5:11 pm
Hello Naomi! Thanks for reading, and thanks for your comment.
I really like this: “..the reason we may default to saying ‘things happen for a reason’ is that we’re trying to connect with human needs that I think we all share – such as hope, wanting to make sense of things, having a sense of purpose, knowing we matter etc.” This is true. Unlike other beings on this planet, humans have self-consciousness. In a universe that is constantly changing, we crave structure and stability: we need concrete meanings. Saying that ‘everything happens for a reason’ is, very much, a byproduct of the human condition itself. The challenge is: how do we account for the continuous fluctuations of the universe while also being able to make sense of things and gain a sense of meaning? Are these two objectives contradictory?
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February 10, 2017 at 1:28 am
I so enjoyed reading your reply this morning. That question is a rich one for me. I have a sense of how those two qualities can seem to be opposing. I think the conflict arises from how we try to fulfill them. Are you familiar with the definition of needs that Marshall Rosenberg offered in his skillset and mindset of nonviolent communication?
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February 10, 2017 at 9:33 am
Hi Naomi. No, I am not familiar with it. Can you please enlighten me?
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February 10, 2017 at 5:41 pm
Thank you for asking that! I’m finding myself with sweet tears in my eyes as I searched out the shortest video I could find with Marshall Rosenberg expressing it. The concept I find really helpful is that needs are never in conflict. Conflict occurs in how we try to meet our needs. And the way many of us have learned to relate to ourselves and one another from a young age is to distrust our own compassionate nature and endless capacity for finding creative ways to treat all needs like they matter, even if we can’t yet imagine how to meet them as fully as we’d like: we name them, savour them, make requests of ourselves and others to fulfill them. Does this video contribute to your own explorations in anyway? https://youtu.be/teyN3BJ4cFA
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February 14, 2017 at 9:12 am
Hello Naomi. Sorry for the delayed response. I just watched the video. Rosenberg is absolutely right: we cannot teach people anything, and trying to force people to learn will simply create violence. And there is a difference between needs and preferred ways of meeting those needs (“solutions”). It is sadly true that we reduce needs to the methods by which they can be met, thus not tackling the needs at all.
Thank you for posting this!
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February 10, 2017 at 5:53 pm
Oh dear, I see that I ended up posting three replies to that one question. For some reason, it was appearing in my reader as not having been answered yet so I was thinking something went awry and I replied again. I’m embarassed about that and concerned it might make it hard for other conversations to be seen too. Would you like to keep the one reply that you found most helpful and delete the other two? 🙂
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February 14, 2017 at 9:15 am
Haha – Hello Naomi. No worries! Thank you for being thorough and making sure the link got to me! Sometimes, links get lost in the shuffle. The video was definitely helpful! I will remove the duplicate comments as well. I will be incorporating this reasoning into my worldview =D Happy Valentine’s Day!
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February 14, 2017 at 5:11 pm
😊🌼I’m relieved. Thanks for understanding Darryl. 😁
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February 9, 2017 at 7:13 pm
Curious on how you would interpret that everyone is here for a reason, we do not know the reason, nor how long we will take to fulfill that reason, but when that reason is met you have no purpose in the world any longer. Just curious what you think. -Bruce
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February 9, 2017 at 7:54 pm
Hi Bruce! Thanks for the prompt. There are a couple of ways to come at this. Here are two differing perspectives:
As the statement stands, there is a lot of wisdom to it. We often think that happiness comes from reaching a goal or destination. But we gain a sense of meaning from the SEARCH for happiness, not the achievement of happiness. It is interesting to note that the Declaration of Independence uses the phrase “pursuit of happiness” as opposed to just plain happiness. If we “arrive” at the promised land of happiness, we, as you said, “have no purpose in the world any longer”.
From another perspective: we could say that the universe has no reason or purpose whatsoever. There is no pre-existing base, ground, or foundation (i.e. laws, morals, gods, etc.) that organizes and anchors the world. In other words, the only foundation for human existence is an anti-foundation. This may sound frightening, but it is liberating. Why? Because when we impose a structure on the universe (i.e. saying everything happens for a reason), we are installing a command center that determines the movements of human life. By stating that there is a “reason” for life, life itself becomes subordinated to it. We become slaves to that “reason.” When we acknowledge that there is no solid base, such as “a reason” to the universe, we are truly FREE.
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February 11, 2017 at 5:01 pm
I agree with you on this Bro. Darryl,
It’s not helpful to say “Everything happens for a reason”—especially if that’s all you got to say.
The sad thing is this, most people who holler “The Lord this and The Lord that…” Have no real knowledge of a loving God.
They are thinking about a white man in the sky throwing thunderbolts and wreaking havoc!
Seriously!
I thought we got past that level of consciousness in 1st grade!
God is undefinable. The pronoun “He” is woefully inaccurate.
Most of the bad things that people try to explain away are the result of OUR own doing.
Saying “everything happens for a reason” is a massive cop out.
Sorry to sound preachy but I am sooooooo sick of these hypocrites!
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February 12, 2017 at 6:25 pm
Lady G you are absolutely right! Nothing preachy at all, love! Lol @ white man throwing thunderbolts and wreaking havoc. For real, though! This statement is a ridiculous cop out and an attempt to avoid substantive discussion about the matters at hand. I agree: most problems are the consequence of our actions – so when we say “Everything happens for a reason” we are basically saying … get over it, there is nothing you can do about a problem created by humans. Smh!
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February 13, 2017 at 1:00 pm
Precisely!!!!!
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February 17, 2017 at 6:30 pm
I’m SO referencing this is the article I’m working on. If not used in an attempt to rid of accountability, its used (IMO) as an avoidance or coping mechanism. “I don’t want to face the issue head-on so let me just chalk it up to fate” – psh, okay! Short and sweet reality check this post is lol.
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February 17, 2017 at 7:09 pm
Haha. Awesome. Question: do you prefer “short and sweet” pieces to longer ones? Does it depend on the topic, etc?
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February 18, 2017 at 1:01 am
Definitely depends on the topic and how much more I want of it lol. You’re not going to trick me into answering this straightforward lol
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February 18, 2017 at 2:29 am
Grrrrrr 😠 lol
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February 18, 2017 at 10:08 am
lmbo
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February 21, 2017 at 7:56 pm
Hmmm… this has me thinking. I don’t know if I said this lately but I know I’ve said a bit in the past. I guess the way I view life is that it is like a movie and we are actors. However, we are actors that can change our role at any given time if we like and we can improv whenever we want and shift our character’s direction at any time. So perhaps, with this thought, “everything just happens…” because we wanted some concrete experiences of some abstract truths. That’s just my two cents. So yes, I do agree with a lot of the comments that people use this saying as a scapegoat to not take on responsibility (which is so annoying) but I also think it’s a great way to start thinking about life from a greater perspective outside of our own limited lens if you really think deeply about it.
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February 23, 2017 at 12:09 am
Hey my friend! I like your take on the matter, it is an idea I have never heard before: a mixture of pre-determination and the ability to transcend. Interesting!
So, if you would be so kind, what wisdom do you think we can extract by “thinking about life from a greater perspective outside our own limited lens?”
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February 23, 2017 at 8:35 pm
Well it’s funny you asked my friend because I just posted a piece about this today on my blog. I don’t go super deep into it in the post. I guess I can say that — and this may not be the best way to put it — it makes life not seem so serious. It’s like a big ol’ playground, creative field that we get to just create what we want, even if our conscious minds are like “Oh hell no” because it hurts when you’re intimately attached to it but when you pull back a bit, you see the bigger picture a little better and it’s not as frightening or fearful. I am not sure if I’m clear but I can try to think about it and get back to you. lol I’m wondering if I wrote this in more detail in another post of mine. If I did, I’ll send you a link to it.
Oh and a quick story, I remember one time, I was at work and I had a very interesting experience where I felt totally aligned with my higher self. I don’t know if I listened to meditative music or what but I felt completely at peace. It was the best feeling in the world. And I had this smirk on my face because in that moment, I knew everything was not really real. So it was like a strange space because I was thinking “Awww look at me at my job…isn’t this cute?” whereas before, I was like “Oh God, I’m still at this low paying job?” lol I guess that’s the best example I can use to describe it in context.
Hope this all makes sense and I think I may share that story on my blog soon so thanks for the inspiration!
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February 25, 2017 at 11:01 am
That makes total sense! I am going to check out your recent post. Thanks for stopping by and engaging as always =D
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March 2, 2017 at 7:15 pm
I suppose it trips off the tongue a little more readily than “There are causal correlates to all phenomena”, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to poke people in the eye with a blunt stick whenever they say it. Still, it could be worse; I mean, what about those who say “The universe was sending me a message”? That also is true in some exceedingly loose and similar sense, but really! What do you think about agency Darryl, in the sense of Free Will and volitional autonomy; are you the reason for all the things that happen in your life?
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March 2, 2017 at 7:29 pm
Great points! I, too, get upset when I hear non-sense about the heavens sending people a message.
Good question about free will and what happens in our life. I think we have free will WITHIN the bounds of our determined circumstances. We have the ability to make “decisions” only within a pre-determined set of choices. I agree with Marx’s assessment that “men make their own history, but they do not make it as they please; they do not make it under self-selected circumstances, but under circumstances existing already, given and transmitted from the past.”
The goal is to uncover the systems of power that over-determine us, and ultimately change them. Saying “everything happens for a reason” is an intellectual cop-out that doesn’t even attempt to interrogate the situation at hand.
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March 3, 2017 at 5:21 am
Thanks Darryl. What are these “systems of power” — do you mean the media, the corporates, and the politicians in thrall and in debt to them both?
“. . . they do not make it under self-selected circumstances, but under circumstances existing already, given and transmitted from the past.” — maybe all the New-Agers are Marxists? 😉
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March 3, 2017 at 8:04 am
You have pretty much nailed it. When I speak of “systems of power,” I am referring to the structures of racism, heteropatriarchy, and capitalist exploitation that shape our institutions and ways of being.
And haha: I hope all new-agers are Marxists – that will make matters a lot easier!
What do you think of free will and agency in the world?
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March 3, 2017 at 8:39 am
We have to define what we mean by Free Will, I think Darryl. In the narrow sense of it being synonymous with conscious volition, then I think Free Will is a post-dictive illusion — an explanation after the fact. As to decisions and choices (involving physical responses) made on very short timeframes, then we now know that the motor actions are initiated prior to awareness of the conscious volition to do so — I think it’s c.400msec. [See: Benjamin Libet ‘Time-on Theory’ and subsequent studies.] As to the sense of agency more generally, then there simply is no a priori referent for it, no agent, no homunculus within doing the deciding, no soul which chooses, no self which decides.
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March 4, 2017 at 10:09 am
Excellent points my friend!
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