You are sitting alone in your house. You are self-employed. You are not in a romantic relationship and have severed ties with friends and family. Does this make you independent?
No.
Since we all use language, we are automatically involved in a chain of connection. Language implies the existence of other people to communicate with. To learn a language is to become involved in a relationship.
We do not create the languages we speak, we are born into an ongoing conversation. We do not name ourselves, we are named by other people. As we grow up, we are forced to identify with the identities we were assigned.
We are only able to navigate the world by using the words of others. We do not categorize our environments, other people label them for us. As we grow up, we are forced to accept and internalize these terms. Our ‘private’ desires can only be recognized and formatted through a language shared with others. For this reason, Jacques Lacan argues: “the unconscious is the discourse of the other.”
There is a difference between communication and language. Communication refers to sounds, looks, and movements utilized by all species to send a message. Language refers to an alphabet, words, rules of grammar, and a system of numbers used to send a message. Humans are the only species that use language. However, language is not simply an instrument. Language is the ultimate expression of humanity. We require recognition from others to gain coherence at all – and language makes that possible. Humans are language and language is human.
Humans use language because, unlike other animals, we have self-consciousness. This self-consciousness separates us from others (i.e. ‘I’ am not ‘you’) and the external world (i.e. ‘I’ am not ‘that’). Language is an attempt to fill these gaps. Thus, language is always deployed in the service of unity.
We can only exist in relation to others. There is no ‘I’ without ‘you’ and there is no ‘us’ without ‘them’. At birth, our body is literally connected to another person. However, the Western world fails to appreciate this. The father of modern philosophy – Rene Descartes – declared “I think, therefore I am.” This line of thought suppresses our social being in favor of individualism. Instead of “I think, therefore I am” – we should move toward the Ubuntu mantra of “I am because of who we all are.”
The word ‘independent’ depends upon the word ‘dependent’ to gain meaning.
The word ‘dependent’ depends upon the word ‘independent’ to gain meaning.
This is because language is dependency. Language prohibits independence. What we call ‘independence’ is simply a degree of dependency.
We need to stop saying we are independent.
Prompt: Center
Zone of Non-being 
September 17, 2016 at 3:39 pm
Nothing but gold on this one brotha. I had something to add. Instincts! You have to remember almost every living being needs water, food, warmth, to release pressure etc. It’s survival is what everything on earth must do to evolve. (Hell some trees root systems will take over weaker trees, salt water will take over any fresh water etc.) We are all dependent on this planet. In the wild some animals work together to get food. Here in San Francisco, we have these birds called cormorants. They sit on top of this rock called “seal rock” and what they do is the make a call to the dolphins when schools of fish are around. The dolphins reward the cormorants by literally flipping fish off of their noses up to the cormorants on the rocks. I agree with your post 100% , I’m just trying to see how humanity would survive without dependence. It’s funny because I just woke up, and I saw your title and I thought “Oh don’t get me started on women who say they are independent.” Lmao. And I’ll elaborate on that feeling. I’m a single black father in california. My wife died 8 years ago. Do you know I went to the food stamps office and they turned me down? Had I’ve been a woman I can get WIC, Cash Aide, Food Stamps, HUD, Welfare, Section 8, etc. I’ve meet so many women dating saying “I’m an independent woman” But gets child support, government assistance, etc. How can one proclaim to be independent when one gets so many hand outs? Lmfao I’m still on the waiting list for housing.
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September 17, 2016 at 4:58 pm
Thanks for the support my dude!
Great point about instincts! We all depend upon the planet. It is absurd to use language, which is a chain of dependency, to discuss “independence” because it violates what language is all about. It is a contradiction. Please see my original post again, as I have edited the last section to discuss language and dependency a bit better.
Sorry to hear about your wife. I hope you get the assistance you need soon.
You make another solid point about the ruse of independence. I have seen a great deal of magazine covers on Essence, Ebony, Jet etc perpetuating the idea of an independent woman (white magazines do this, too). On one level, I can appreciate it from the perspective of feminism and not being subservient to a man. But this type of discourse is in the service of white, western, bourgeois ideology: the idea that individuals sprout from the ground with no help. These types of ideas loan themselves to “bootstrap-ism”: the lame idea that all we need to do is lift ourselves up by our own bootstraps. But we often miss the fact that those boots were made by other people in other parts of the planet. With or without government assistance, we are in a relationship. This is not a problem to solve, this is a reality to embrace.
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September 17, 2016 at 5:20 pm
Dam man you stole my mind set. I want it back hahahhaha. Yes I’m all for a woman leader and equal pay. However alot of feminist don’t realize that colored women will never make the same amount of women with fairer skin. In the 60s black women would have to choose between their sex or race. A black woman is still black at the end of the day. Also some women choose when feminism benefits them and fail to acknowledge that in some cases a man wouldn’t get the same kind of help or aide as them. I work as a bus driver and there are women there that are way better drivers than I am. I have no qualms about that because I see some women as equal in the career space. My boss is a woman and she’s great. But I noticed that because black women are more courageous about these issues, white and Asian women will use them like a fullback and forget about them in the end zone. Also we have to remember what you said: Capitalism. Marriage, divorce, death, being single, child support etc, are all a business just like the masses of media publications that tell these same women that they are ugly. It’s all tied into the same profit for the wealthy.
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September 17, 2016 at 6:42 pm
That’s a great analogy : use black women like the fullback and forget about them on the endzone. You should flesh these ideas out more in a post!
I am glad you understand the need to view women as equals. The profit motive distorts all of our relationships. We turn people into instruments – a means to an end.
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September 17, 2016 at 7:25 pm
I talk about this ad nauseam with alot of women. My sister for instance is a die hard feminist but when “biology kicks in” she wants a man to be a man. A man needs to be a protector when the time comes and leader. I as a black man in America can’t depend on (say a white woman or a Asian woman) to protect me. And I mean that in a general sense. Like if there was a crisis and there was an Asian lady officer and a white woman officer, I as a black man wouldn’t feel safe or secure. I have to know where exits are, who is around, where I am going etc. It’s so easy for us to be caught up. How many brothas and sistas get on situations where they are at the wrong place at the wrong time? But that is to not say that women are not equal in terms of intelligence, strength, productivity, etc.
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September 17, 2016 at 8:18 pm
Very interesting! I know of a woman who says she was scolded by a man in front of her boyfriend and was disappointed that he did not “step up to the plate”. I understand the impulse.
To be honest, I feel relatively safe right up until I see the police – irrespective of sex/gender. All that matters for me is that blue uniform.
One time, I was at a supermarket buying food. Then, a police officer began his shift guarding the exit. I instantly began to feel unsafe.
Hmm … I should do a blog on the idea that men are stronger than women – as this is something that can be debated. Arguments based on “nature” or “biology” are alibis of power. Sex and gender are social constructs that claim to be natural facts. But they aren’t. The only reason we THINK men are stronger than women is because of capitalism and patriarchy. Men own the means of production (i.e. land, resources, factories, etc) and oppress women. In this regard, men are stronger – but this is not an eternal truth. Patriarchy has not always existed. In fact, thousands of years ago, societies were dominated by women, but this changed when men seized control of the means of production. You feel what I’m saying? The only “biology” that exists is the biology we socially construct. Biology is opinion masquerading as “science”.
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September 17, 2016 at 8:25 pm
Yes you should. Like the Ashanti tribe or even my home state of California is named after queen Khalifia. You’re right however what about primitive times? And women have a lower body mass and lower center of gravity due to carrying water and children. I’ll always say I could date Ronda rousey or Serena Williams but I’m still the man and if some shit pops off, biologically speaking I have to protect them ya know?
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September 17, 2016 at 8:44 pm
Wow, I didn’t know about the etymology of California! Thanks for that factoid!
During primitive times, societies were more matriarchal. Families and property were organized differently. When monogamy and private property were introduced, it was the “world overthrow of the female sex” (Friedrich Engels).
You are right: women have a lower body mass and lower center of gravity. But our interpretation of this does not automatically loan itself to male supremacy. Betty White said (paraphrasing) “we always say that when you need to be strong, you need to have balls. I don’t understand that because balls are very fragile. We need to say ‘have some vagina’ because those things take a pounding.”
And we have to be careful with the idea of “protecting” women, even if it is well-intended. The only way we can “protect” women is if we assume they are inferior. Women are not inferior and do not need to be protected all the time. The need to protect women is the chief lie of masculinity. To get away from the fact that men are oppressing women, they re-frame it as protecting/saving them.
This is the exact same discourse that whites use when talking about blacks and Native Americans. When Europeans went into Africa, they were doing it to “civilize” them; and when they colonized the indigenous people, they did it “civilize” them. America is using a similar discourse in the Middle East: the US is not controlling them, we are saving them.
Women don’t need the protection of men, they need to be protected FROM men – as men are probably the leading cause of death for women.
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September 17, 2016 at 9:03 pm
I have to disagree with something. Football would be the ultimate example. A woman would get destroyed taking those hits. No ifs ands and buts about that
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September 17, 2016 at 9:18 pm
Well, a similar argument was used to prohibit women from entering the military. People thought that warfare was too intense for the fragile bodies and minds of women. Their “place” was at home making pancakes. Fast-forward to today: there are women in combat, and who have high ranks.
It cannot be confidently stated that women would “get destroyed taking hits” in football. Just look at the example of Jen Welter who played in a professional football game and could stomach the hits: http://www.foxsports.com/southwest/story/men-s-pro-football-league-s-first-female-rb-unfazed-in-debut-021614
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September 17, 2016 at 9:33 pm
My girlfriend played football in her high school. They league prohibited her from scoring. Asked today if she world of played in college her answer was no. Women aren’t built for that type of physicality on a daily basis just like men aren’t built to give birth and carry children. Can’t argue with our existence. We can’t lay eggs. When my wife was pregnant I gained 20lbs. I asked my doctor why. She referred me to a book explaining our primitive thinking. Another baby means as a man I have to gain muscle and be stronger to hunt in primitive times. Combat and football have similarities and alot of differences. Of course women belong in infantry defending our country and other great things. But NFL football? No way. The training, the hits, the intensity. That link you referred me to was a great read btw. But I wouldn’t want to see a lady playing NFL football. I explained this on one of my previous articles. Same way I wouldn’t want a man using the ladies bathroom while my daughter is in there doing lady things.
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September 17, 2016 at 10:02 pm
I see what you are saying but we cannot assume that we are BORN men and women. Feminists such as Simone de Beauvois and Monique Wittig argue that “one is not born a woman, she is made.”
How do we MAKE women? We force them to wear dresses and high heels; we teach them that they are inferior to men; we rape them; we pimp them; we cut off their clitorises so they cannot enjoy sex enough to cheat on us; we demonize lesbianism, etc etc.
When a child is born at the hospital and a nurse screams out “its a girl” – we are not referring to a pre-existing category of girl/woman. The only reason the child is a “girl” is because the nurse SAID it was girl – thus bringing that child into a sexist/gender system that hides its power by beckoning to nature.
That nurse could just have easily said “its a tree” or “its a ping-pong.” Sex/gender are not natural – we impose them upon each other.
I will withhold comment on the bathroom thing – as that is too complex to do justice to at the moment.
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September 17, 2016 at 10:27 pm
I think what we need start doing is giving women the option from birth to identify what or how they wanna look (with certain boundaries of course due to child predators etc) if a little girl doesn’t want to wear a dress at 6 years old but rather some jeans I don’t think that should make her any less of a little girl. However puberty is realistic in gender identity and after due to hormones and development. We start to change at that point. I’m happy that I found your posts because this is great food for thought.
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September 17, 2016 at 10:41 pm
I can dig that idea! We should not put people in such neat boxes of man, woman, gay, straight, etc. Sex/gender are fluid, not constant. Just think of all the hermaphrodites – which are not strictly man or woman, but BOTH. Think of all the transsexuals which blur these neat lines.
Puberty is biological – but this doesn’t mean it is constant. Puberty is often seen as the threshold when children become physically ready for sexual activity. But many societies have different ages at which boys and girls become men and women (one country says it is 15, one country says 16, other countries say 18). So puberty is still subject to interpretation – and does not in and of itself mean that the categories of men/women are “real”. They are only “real” because we insist they are!
I am glad you are thoroughly engaging these posts!
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September 17, 2016 at 9:07 pm
Nice piece! I agree we are forced to identify with the identities that we are given.
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September 17, 2016 at 9:19 pm
*takes bow* lol
Thank you so much for reading and engaging!
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September 17, 2016 at 10:03 pm
I may share this!
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September 17, 2016 at 10:05 pm
Ahh! That would be awesome! Please do =D
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October 21, 2016 at 9:03 am
Language as a social link – less a matter of what you’re saying a more a matter of to whom you are addressing. Nice post.
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October 21, 2016 at 11:53 am
Thank you!
That is an excellent way if saying it. I remember reading John Locke and other Liberal Enlightenment theorists in graduate school and thinking … how can they emphasize the individual over the group when they are using the language of others ?! I despise the focus on the individual.
From a slightly different register, this reminds me of the Barthes text: “the author is dead” .
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February 27, 2017 at 12:05 pm
Dude, how did you get to be so poetic? I love your work, man. 👍
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February 27, 2017 at 1:42 pm
Haha, thank you! I appreciate your continued support ☺
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February 27, 2017 at 2:26 pm
My pleasure.
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February 28, 2017 at 12:26 am
I like reading these posts. They engage me, though the paths your words take are like a maze to me. What I get from your writings has to be simplified. But first let me say this: My mother’s 3rd husband admired me because of the person I have become despite hardships. He always called me “bootstrap”. For myself I believe I learned how to function in life through necessity. But I got a kick out of his nickname for me. Anywho,, reading your posts leaves me with the feeling that you would like to rearrange how humanity acts on planet earth, as in choosing the word puberty. Regardless of when it comes I suppose if we stop calling this process “puberty”, it will simply be a part of our bodily process that no one would talk about because there would be no name for the process. And if someone hadn’t said “it’s a girl”, hadn’t labelled me, then I would simply Be. And if someone had told me from the time I was a child that Blue was Green, today I would believe Blue was Green (I got this out of my own brain-if it is a brain).Your posts appeal to my nutty side as I have just thought of Pinky and the Brain because once I start thinking I go waaaay out there.
I noticed your prompt was Center. I had to check out on wordpress how a person is supposed to use the prompts. Toward the end of the article I found it says that a person can take a prompt and go down the rabbit hole with it. I think that is where you have taken me. BTW, I’m a California girl and now I have some new information about the origin of my State’s name.
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February 28, 2017 at 9:50 am
I am glad you like my posts! You have an interesting interpretation of this piece, and I thank you for sharing it with me. I intended this piece to highlight a fundamental contradiction in the claim “I am independent” that is widespread throughout our society. To the extent that we use language, we are automatically in a relationship with others – so it is paradoxical to use language to claim otherwise.
You say that these posts need to be simplified, that they are like a maze, and that they have taken you down a rabbit hole. Do you think this type of writing is too random and diffuse? If so, what do you recommend? For this topic (about language and sociality), this is the most simple I could make it. This post is me writing at a very basic level – without abstract language, etc (from my perspective).
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February 28, 2017 at 7:03 pm
If you’re not already familiar with it, you might be interested in a term called “heteroglossia.”
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February 28, 2017 at 7:08 pm
I’ve never heard of it. I just looked it up and it is capturing the same exact concept. Thank you for bringing it to my attention ☺
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February 28, 2017 at 7:15 pm
You’re welcome. Your PhD is calling you 😉
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February 28, 2017 at 7:18 pm
Lol it is, it is! 😀
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February 28, 2017 at 7:27 pm
By simplified I mean for me. I need to be able to read your writings and condense them into the basic idea you are trying to convey. I think this means that I could better follow your thinking if we were in face-to-face conversation. Eye contact, facial expressions, known history help me to understand where they are coming from. Usually when I read posts I am only seeing words on a page and I am able to suss out what is being presented. But with posts like yours, posts with some meat, I have to read the post 3 or 4 times to really understand the basic message in order to give a reply that makes sense. Your writing is very well thought out and since I cannot be in on that journey personally it takes me a while to figure out the path. No, I do not think you should change anything about the way you write. Maybe a year from now I will be able to follow you without feeling that I am lost. So in other words, it’s me, not you.
For instance, you mentioned “bootstrap-ism”: the lame idea that all we need to do is lift ourselves up by our own bootstraps. But we often miss the fact that those boots were made by other people in other parts of the planet”. Instead of me getting the point about being dependent on the person who made the boots, I zoomed in on what you called the “lame” idea of bootstrap-ism. Because I am that “bootstrap” person, don’t you know. This is so much fun.
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March 1, 2017 at 7:11 am
I understand, that makes sense. Thank you for taking the time to explain! I appreciate your honesty insofar as you are able to assess your own reading practices.
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March 1, 2017 at 2:16 pm
Great piece Darryl:
We are absolutely born into an ongoing discourse. Everything is already prepackaged and we work within that design.
Independence? HA!!!
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March 1, 2017 at 6:29 pm
Thanks love! Yes, the idea of independence is quite laughable. Whenever someone says they are independent I am going to start telling them to look at their belly button!
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March 3, 2017 at 11:13 am
Exactly! 🙂
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March 30, 2017 at 10:42 am
So you’re going to take the word “Independent” from us too?! HA HA I’m kidddddinnnng. This was so enlightening, Darryl! I never gave it much thought as I tossed the word around so freely but everything that we are and do in life truly does involve others. You said it best with the following statement:
“we can only exist in relation to others.”
No matter how much I would like to consider myself separate from certain individuals or groups, we are still intertwined in some shape, form or fashion. I would love to see you explore in a future essay, the attraction humans have to independence as well as the (dis)advantages that come with that attraction.
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