I witnessed a pack of bears gathered at night, deep in the forest. I hid behind a tree in the distance, being sure to remain silent. A bear stood on a rock and delivered this speech:


We the Bears presently trapped under conditions of colonization hereby declare war on the human species. Our inalienable right to inhabit this planet has been denied for centuries and we are determined to be free. The human family’s rapacious appetite for domination transforms the world into either a junkyard or a cemetery. We embrace open rebellion against these earthly tyrants in the interest of emancipation.

*applause of claws*

The capacity for evil among human beings surpasses measurement. Soulless monsters continue to tranquilize Us – allowing them to kidnap and transport Us to zoos in foreign places. From sunrise to sunset, desensitized beings spend their hard-earned money to see Us locked in cages. The oppressors point, stare, and capture photographs so they can re-live the joy of draining our lives later on. Our misery is a source of pleasure – a tourist attraction replete with gift shops and restaurants. Our Grizzly, Brown, and Koala brothers and sisters must fight back!  

*applause of claws*

When We are not being forced to perform at the circus, We are being killed. Humans emit toxic chemicals that raise the planet’s temperature. Although they are a cold-hearted species, they are still melting the ice caps. Our Polar brothers and sisters must fight back!

*applause of claws*

We are hunted for fun, and then Our decapitated heads are stuffed and placed over the fireplace at ski lodges. We are murdered for sport, and then Our bodies are stylized on the grounds of fancy resorts. The desecration of Our carcasses demonstrates just how detached humans are.  

*growls*

We need a strategy. We must know the weaknesses of Our enemy and exploit them. The arrogance of human beings can only be matched by their ignorance. Their entire culture has reduced Us to a harmless member of the animal kingdom. One of the most popular cartoons of all-time is “Winnie the Pooh” – a story about a cute but naive bear who does nothing but eat honey all day. Pooh even has a human and a pig as best friends … as if a real bear wouldn’t just eat them! This ridiculous line of thought is perpetuated by young humans who own “teddy bears” – friendly, cotton-filled imitations of Us. These stuffed bears make the children feel safe, to the point where they often cannot sleep in their absence … as if a real bear is that easy on the weak! 

We must use their stupidity to Our advantage. We are wild animals; but as long as they see Us as idiotic and cuddly, they will not expect an attack. So, when they request that “gummy bears” be placed on top of their ice cream at the mall, that is when We maul them!

Humans having “the right to bear arms” means nothing if they have already fallen right into the arms of the Bear! 

*growls, applause of claws & bear hugs*


Photo Credit: Big Bear Zoo
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