Across time and space, human beings have constructed taboos against sexual activity with close relatives. The most commonly stigmatized and legally prohibited incestuous relationships include parent-child and sibling-sibling unions.
In the first part of this series, I argued that homes with a bathroom near the kitchen are inconsistent with the natural organization of the human body. This piece highlights yet another form of architectural terrorism: when the parent(s) and child(ren) have adjoining bedrooms. Such a spatial arrangement violates the cultural organization of human society – thus exposing children to unspeakably awkward situations.
Imagine you are a child sleeping in bed at night. Ponies, unicorns, and rainbows are the main attractions in your dream. Your peaceful slumber is suddenly disrupted by strange noises from the next room. The sound of two naked bodies pounding against each other and ever-intensifying moans of pleasure hold your attention captive.
With only a few feet of space, a wall, and a door serving as a barrier – you now have a front row seat to a parental sex session. The pillow talk of a parent will single-handedly fracture the psyche of their child … forever. Having the misfortune of over-hearing commands such as “ohh, fuck me baby!” and “deeper, daddy!” inflict immeasurable and irreparable forms of trauma. There should be a toll-free emergency support hotline that children can call whenever their parents are having sex. The number should be 1-555-EWW-STOP.
Heaven-forbid your parents like to have sex to music. No matter how much you actually like those songs, you are going to delete them from your playlist. This is pure torture. During interrogations at Guantanamo Bay, the CIA coaxed false confessions from prisoners by forcing them to listen to music. The government could’ve gotten those confessions twice as fast if they played audio of the inmates’ parents having sex. I would admit to the Kennedy assassination to avoid hearing my parents doing the nasty.
Even when parents take this dynamic into account and resign themselves to having quieter sex, the child still knows what is happening. They may not speak about it, but they react accordingly. This is an intervention. Remember that time you leaned in to give your son a kiss goodbye and he flinched? You told yourself it was because he was getting older; but deep down, you knew it was because he heard you getting busy the night before. Remember when you tried to bond with your daughter but she seemed cold? You told yourself it was because of puberty; but you knew good and gotdamn well it was because she heard you getting busy the night before.
This floor design partially erodes the psychological line that exists between being a witness and being a participant. The child who hears the sexual act, albeit involuntarily, still becomes involved in it through feelings of disgust and/or fascination. These are moments of quasi-incest, folks. The organization of our homes should mirror the cultural organization of our society by placing the bedrooms of parents and children at a distance.
March 14, 2017 at 7:33 pm
Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaa. I can’t stop laughing. I know, I know. Man. 1 555 EWW STOP. dammm
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March 14, 2017 at 7:40 pm
Lol. Can you tell I was traumatized by my parents!? This set up drives me insane bro lol
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March 30, 2017 at 10:06 am
lmao this was exactly what I was thinking as I read. “Poor Darryl…what did he hear?”
Albeit hilarious in presentation, you make valid points. The only thing that stood between my mothers bedroom and my own was a thin wall and a vent. I could hear every conversation on her end and vice versa. Fortunately, her and my stepfather (at the time) slept in separate rooms (funny how I didn’t understand how concerning this was as a child) so I was never exposed to these horrific experiences.
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April 3, 2017 at 12:05 pm
Lol you are very fortunate to have been spared! I wish I could undo the memories, but they are deep in the bedrock of my brain now smh lol. Now I know … if I ever have a kid or children, they are going on the opposite side of the house lol
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March 14, 2017 at 7:41 pm
I don’t know whether to laugh at this or cry. In a way it is hilarious and I want to say “Yea!” change the dang designs!! But you have written about scenarios that actually happen and that are devastating to the children. Instead of being a form of terrorism, however, I tend to believe having the child’s room close to the parent’s room was more about a safety factor, from a time when one did not discuss our base human actions, and is still done today because people are good at following each other. I think it could be architectural indifference, instead of a way to terrorize folks. But if you are coming from a point of view of others wanting to make life difficult, I can see why you could refer to it as Architectural Terrorism. Eventually your theme here could become a good horror movie. Like “Thinner”.
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March 14, 2017 at 7:56 pm
Hello my friend! This series is meant to be a bit satirical, but also kind of serious. You are right about parenting as it relates to safety. Babies typically sleep in, or very close to, their parents by necessity. As they grow older, there is a general effort to differentiate them (i.e. weaning, potty training, etc). Insofar as children are unable to decipher the sexual noises, it doesn’t pose much of a problem (for the sake of argument). My issue is when these children grow older and are still trapped in a room close to their parents … when they are at an age when they know what they are hearing and have sexual feelings themselves. So let’s say this applies to children 12+ ☺
I like your point about architectural indifference. I think houses are designed with money in mind. It’s like the architects who put a bathroom near the kitchen just want to be efficient, not sensical. I think the same goes for adjoining parent and child bedrooms … they just wanted to get it done lol.
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March 14, 2017 at 7:57 pm
It would definitely be a good horror movie too, lol. Parents need to make sure they have televisions blasting to drown out the sounds. At least do that lol
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March 14, 2017 at 8:06 pm
You know it’s so funny because my mom and step-father did not care who heard what. We (the kids) were non-entities. I mean they really were not concerned with our psyche. Not saying all parents were like that. Blasting music is good but like you said, then we would still have known what they were doing (especially if we put our ear to the door.) Hahahaha
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March 14, 2017 at 8:23 pm
LOL! Some people have extremely low inhibitions! I cringe whenever my bed squeaks … never mind hearing someone else’s, lol.
I remember one time, like 15 years ago, my parents were REALLY into it … and my sister and I could do nothing but helplessly laugh because they kept repeating the same Barry White song lmao. Nowadays, whenever I hear Barry on the radio, I change the station lol
I remember another time, a while back, when my parents were getting busy in the morning on a weekend. And then my mom came out and tried to offer my siblings and I breakfast. Nahhhh, I’m all set with THAT lol
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March 14, 2017 at 8:30 pm
LOL!
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March 14, 2017 at 10:21 pm
I was just (kinda) talking about this while watching Tiny House Hunters. There was a family of FIVE-two parents, three kids- moving into like a 300 square foot tiny home. And the dad was concerned about privacy. (Uhm. WTF.) Mom kept saying “the kids love it!” and I’m like those kids are going to be teens in no time and you KNOW how teens like their own space and hate their parents! And the one bathroom? Just. No.
PLUS, does it mean sex will cease? I mean the parents’ “bedroom” is now a loft with no door!
Definitely a humorous and cringe-worthy post. I don’t even like to see my parent kiss. Yeck!
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March 14, 2017 at 11:25 pm
Wow, I have never heard of that show! Is poverty a main factor in why they “choose” such small places? I sure hope so, because any other reason is a bit sketchy lol.
Residing in such a small place with a family THAT big is a huge problem. I am all for communal living and not being greedy, but DAMN … there comes a time when proximity is toxic. Space is necessary for a healthy development of self, smh.
Lol @ not liking to see your parents kiss! I’m with you there! Have you ever endured the misfortune of hearing one parent kick game to the other? You know … little slick comments about what they are going to do to them later on when they are alone? Ain’t nobody trynna hear that!! Definite yeck!
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March 15, 2017 at 12:06 am
I think many of these tiny home hunters just want what’s trending. As well as low/no mortgage and the option to hitch up your house and travel about the country. They also claim they want to downsize – have less stuff and more freedom.
THANK GOD I have never heard my parents “engage”. I probably wouldn’t be alive.
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March 15, 2017 at 3:13 am
Smh, it’s all about following the herd, huh?! Such a twisted logic. They want less things so they can have more freedom to impose awkward situations on their children. And I die whenever I hear my parents sweet-talking.
It reminds me of this episode of Fresh Prince. Hillary summed up our opinions perfectly, lol:
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March 15, 2017 at 8:41 pm
Haha totally!
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March 15, 2017 at 12:23 am
LOL Darryl!! A definite EWWW moment. Some things in this world are just natural, and I think a kid being totally grossed out by the idea of his parents having sex is one of them. I remember first learning about the sex act and thinking, ‘No way! My parents could NOT POSSIBLY have ever done that!!’ (Interesting psychology because we are somehow not associating our own birth with it…) But yes, spare the adjoining rooms please!
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March 15, 2017 at 3:23 am
Lol yes Christine! It is hard to fathom that we are products of intercourse. It is even harder to imagine that our parents actually LIKED IT lol. The psychology you point out is interesting. I think the authors of the New Testament were grappling with the same anxiety … and that is why they claim Jesus had a virgin birth. At bottom, they are basically denying that Jesus’ mother (interesting how it is gendered) was a sexual being. They wanted to spare Jesus of the thoughts you had when you first found out about the sex act lol. I understand the impulse. It is much easier to believe lol! I’m all set with the adjoining rooms!
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March 15, 2017 at 7:20 am
I agree. Even before Christianity, the virgin birth was big in many mythologies, with a lot of mothers giving birth from gazing at stars, flashes of light or other such miracles… The gods were so special that the sex act itself was not needed. And yes — sparing the sacred child the embarrassment of it, haha! Interestingly, some bible scholars claim there is evidence of Jesus’ brothers and sisters — meaning Mary did not maintain her virginity for life. Interesting stuff!
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March 15, 2017 at 9:27 am
Wow – I didn’t know about virgin births existing before Christianity. It is interesting that Mary had a virgin birth for Jesus and natural births for the other children. And then Jesus was not married, and to my knowledge, died a virgin as well (I’ve heard chatter about him and Mary Magdalene, though. I don’t know lol). Says a lot about that era’s notion of sex!
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March 16, 2017 at 1:28 am
Yes! Well, all the virgin births that occurred before Jesus seem to be a well kept secret. But the fact is, ancient Egypt had the story of Mautmes, a virgin who gave birth to Amenhetep, who later became a king. (She was even visited by Thoth, who gave her the message, much like the angel Gabriel gave Mary the message.) Greek mythology had a few virgin births too. The story was not unique to Christianity.
I am one of the believers that Jesus and Magdalene were married 🙂 It only makes sense. But yes, sexual notions just became so shameful, and maybe commonplace. All these ‘virgins’ gave birth to kings and gods… none of them had any ‘normal’ children. And none of them had any girls!
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March 16, 2017 at 6:17 pm
Wow. You, my friend, are encyclopedic! So interesting that none of them had girls. It is funny to think that people thousands of years from now will be looking back at the stories we use to comfort ourselves and problematizing them, lol
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March 17, 2017 at 1:56 am
That is an interesting concept! I often wonder what future civilizations will think of us.
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March 15, 2017 at 9:17 am
LMAO. When I was married, our bedroom was near our son’s and I always wanted it to be super quiet as to not wake him to our lovemaking. My next home won’t be like that.
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March 15, 2017 at 9:22 am
LOL! Good! A different design would be a win-win for everyone, right? The child does not have to hear the sex, and the parent(s) don’t have to worry as much about being heard having sex … thus making the sex better. Lol
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March 15, 2017 at 2:37 pm
Darryl. I laughed as soon as I read the title! Love this! I need you to design everybody’s next house lol
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March 15, 2017 at 3:08 pm
Lol that would be awesome! Glad you liked it! 😃
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March 15, 2017 at 8:34 pm
Hahahahaha
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March 23, 2017 at 4:37 pm
See you showed out! LOL!!!!
I had started reading this the other day but had to stop… then I saw where you liked one of my comments and it reminded me that I wanted to get back over here and read the rest of this goody.
Ok, so as a parent let me say that when the baby is still young it makes sense to be that close but when the child reaches the age of about 5, a change in rooms MUST happen.
You had me hollering though!
Sometimes I really think that you are my long lost son because just the other day I was reading about how they would torture prisoners at Guantanamo Bay with Heavy Metal, Rap and Commercial jingles.
They would alternate metal with jingles like the meow-mix song (meowmeowmeowmeow…..) and play it at high volumes–depriving the prisoners of sleep. It didn’t help that they had never heard such music before.
PURE torture!
As an aside, I started reading about music as a means of torture because I remember my mom and her friend used to play this song called “St. James Infirmary .” The song is about a man lamenting the death of his woman…it has very shrill horns and an extremely mirthful sound to it. Basically, it is a dirge. I don’t know why anybody would want to listen to it for pleasure.
At any rate, that song bothered me on a soul level–it went beyond dislike! I couldn’t stand to be in the same room whenever it was being played. It upset me just that bad. It was serious!
I later learned that Jazz funerals in New Orleans often play it as they march with the body to the cemetery! Trust me…it is a very disturbing song; the lyrics and the music.
Sorry for that digression.
But you know it makes sense because this is a vibrational Universe and music is all about vibration. It can take you anywhere emotionally….especially to that bedroom! LOL!
Either way, Mama and Daddy need to be waaaaaay awaaaaay from the children when they put that Teddy P on and start knocking boots! LOL!
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this one.
You are something else love!
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March 24, 2017 at 11:19 am
Lmao @ “put that Teddy P on and start knocking boots” hahaha. Very true! And I just realized … back in the day, artists made songs that people could get busy to. The songs were like 10 minutes long with guitar solos and such. But nowadays, the songs be like 3.5 minutes long and you gotta rush … that’s wackkkkkkk! Lol
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March 24, 2017 at 7:39 pm
Watch out der now! LOL!!!!
Speaking of knocking the boots to music, anybody here heard of “Lord Ballad” by LTD?
Oooowwweeeeee! Did he woo woo woo?
YAAASSS!
ROTFLMAO!
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March 27, 2017 at 2:35 pm
Lmao!
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