I witnessed a pack of bears gathered at night, deep in the forest. I hid behind a tree in the distance, being sure to remain silent. A bear stood on a rock and delivered this speech:
We the Bears presently trapped under conditions of colonization hereby declare war on the human species. Our inalienable right to inhabit this planet has been denied for centuries and we are determined to be free. The human family’s rapacious appetite for domination transforms the world into either a junkyard or a cemetery. We embrace open rebellion against these earthly tyrants in the interest of emancipation.
*applause of claws*
The capacity for evil among human beings surpasses measurement. Soulless monsters continue to tranquilize Us – allowing them to kidnap and transport Us to zoos in foreign places. From sunrise to sunset, desensitized beings spend their hard-earned money to see Us locked in cages. The oppressors point, stare, and capture photographs so they can re-live the joy of draining our lives later on. Our misery is a source of pleasure – a tourist attraction replete with gift shops and restaurants. Our Grizzly, Brown, and Koala brothers and sisters must fight back!
*applause of claws*
When We are not being forced to perform at the circus, We are being killed. Humans emit toxic chemicals that raise the planet’s temperature. Although they are a cold-hearted species, they are still melting the ice caps. Our Polar brothers and sisters must fight back!
*applause of claws*
We are hunted for fun, and then Our decapitated heads are stuffed and placed over the fireplace at ski lodges. We are murdered for sport, and then Our bodies are stylized on the grounds of fancy resorts. The desecration of Our carcasses demonstrates just how detached humans are.
*growls*
We need a strategy. We must know the weaknesses of Our enemy and exploit them. The arrogance of human beings can only be matched by their ignorance. Their entire culture has reduced Us to a harmless member of the animal kingdom. One of the most popular cartoons of all-time is “Winnie the Pooh” – a story about a cute but naive bear who does nothing but eat honey all day. Pooh even has a human and a pig as best friends … as if a real bear wouldn’t just eat them! This ridiculous line of thought is perpetuated by young humans who own “teddy bears” – friendly, cotton-filled imitations of Us. These stuffed bears make the children feel safe, to the point where they often cannot sleep in their absence … as if a real bear is that easy on the weak!
We must use their stupidity to Our advantage. We are wild animals; but as long as they see Us as idiotic and cuddly, they will not expect an attack. So, when they request that “gummy bears” be placed on top of their ice cream at the mall, that is when We maul them!
Humans having “the right to bear arms” means nothing if they have already fallen right into the arms of the Bear!
*growls, applause of claws & bear hugs*
February 28, 2017 at 7:25 pm
Lmfao I know this wasn’t a comedic piece but I imagined myself on of the bears scratching it’s claws and doing bear stuff. Hahahah sorry but on some realness this is a great entendre of society
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February 28, 2017 at 7:30 pm
Thanks Brotha Tareau! It’s cool to read this as a comedy. When I started writing the piece, I intended it to be a satire. But as I continued writing, it got more serious lol. I am at the point where political pieces are easier to write than jokes I guess. And I am glad you picked up its link to society.
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February 28, 2017 at 7:41 pm
On a side bar but somewhat related tip: I found out that even though the panda bears are on the endangered species list, pandas have no interest in mating nor eating at times. Problem is everyone donates money to the WWF and the focus on pandas because of their cuteness, meanwhile the ugly endangered animals die off. Kind of random and crazy, right?
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February 28, 2017 at 7:53 pm
Wow, I didn’t know that! Thanks for breaking down the facts. People are so shallow … always trying to “save” the world and other species, while ignorant bigger issues (other endangered species). It sounds like another typical money making scheme!
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February 28, 2017 at 7:43 pm
Love this! Awesome
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February 28, 2017 at 7:54 pm
Glad you liked it Kelley! 😀
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February 28, 2017 at 8:26 pm
Great little story. I’ve always supported the right to arm bears.
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February 28, 2017 at 9:19 pm
Haha, me too! Thanks Sha’Tara!
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March 1, 2017 at 12:33 am
if i didn’t fall out my chair when the sentence started off with: “we the bears” LOL
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March 1, 2017 at 7:19 am
LOL yeah it was a play off “We the People” in the Declaration of Independence. Thanks for reading! 😀
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March 1, 2017 at 1:19 am
Reminded me of a Native American Indian Legend “The Story of the Buffalo Dance”. About humans and their use of the Buffalo for food and clothing. Maybe you have read it. I found it from following Joseph Campbell. You might enjoy the story.
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March 1, 2017 at 7:17 am
I just looked it up. It is nice! Thank you for the recommendation! ☺
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March 1, 2017 at 6:25 pm
We could put a lot of animals here! Proud vegan for 40 years! ❤
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March 1, 2017 at 6:32 pm
Great job on 4 decades of being a vegan! Tremendous discipline on your part.
You are right – a bunch of animals should be declaring war on humans. Maybe you could write a piece that rounds this idea out with more animals! ☺👍
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March 1, 2017 at 6:51 pm
Hey Darryl, I hope you do write that piece – maybe even a best selling novel. I haven’t made the jump to vegan, but 20 yrs+ vegetarian. When people ask why, I refer them to the 1st chapter of Genesis (the Bible) and point out that “in the beginning” there were no meat eating predators, including man. We all ate of plants, and interestingly at that time there was no “enmity” between man and animals. All hell broke loose at Genesis 2:3, with the Edenic invention and re-writing of man’s creation. Food for thought.
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March 1, 2017 at 7:14 pm
Hello Sha’Tara. Nice work on being 20+ years vegetarian!
That is food for thought, indeed! I like your reading of Genesis. There are a bunch of dietary prohibitions in the Old Testament. The one that comes to mind is that we shall not “boil a kid in its mother’s milk” (Exodus 23:19) – or, basically, no beef AND milk (as you know).
It is interesting to think there was no hostility between species. Adam named the animals, but you are right: there could not have been enmity between species because, then, humans would be subject to death (being the food of animals). And we know that death was a punishment issued after The Fall.
Since we all ate of plants, doesn’t it strike you as a bit strange that Adam and Eve were banished from Eden for eating … an apple?! Is this just a coincidence – or is there a symbolic meaning here? In other words: why couldn’t the temptation come in the form of an animal as opposed to a fruit? If it were an animal, the Genesis would have made more sense – because of the connection to blood, death, and thus setting up the need for the blood of Christ later on.
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March 1, 2017 at 8:36 pm
A political set-up? Seems “Jehovah” (or YHWH or Whomever) the “creator) was trying to get Adam and Eve to get into bloodshed. He frowned on their “fig leaves” and instead covered them with the skins of animals – big A-Hah! moment here… but still no eating of flesh, though murder does succeed, very well. Then we go on through Genesis until after the flood when, lo and behold, for whatever reason and suddenly “The Lord God” gives permission to the survivors to kill animals not just as sacrifices to “god” but as food – with some quid-pro-quos… not all animal flesh is healthy for humans to consume. But the die is cast: from that point on, “I will put fear between you and all the animals…” (I’m quoting freely here, from memory) and from here on, man is established as having the right of life and death over all animal life, not just “rule over” as in Genesis, chap. 1. Whatever “blood sacrifice” meant to these alien “gods” of Eden, (probably nothing more than a sure supply of Grade A fresh meat) the concept was established as a covenant of blood between man and his gods. In the case of Judaism/Christianity, that would mean the violent, bloody death of a final sacrificial victim (a “divine” spawn) which would bind believers forever to the deity. That promise, as today’s Jews seem to have realized, was never meant to happen! It was nothing more than a massive scam, a fraud, a carrot on a stick to keep the numbties serving their particular god(s) to unknowable ends. Nuff said. (and this is all my opinion, just that)
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March 2, 2017 at 10:08 am
Excellent points! Couldn’t agree more that it was a set up. The fact that God put the apple there and then said “don’t eat it” was meant to steer them in it’s direction. If God had never said that, they wouldn’t have known about it, and never would have done it. It’s like bringing a gun into a house and telling the kids “don’t touch it”, and then getting upset when they do. If God really cared about us, he never created the Tree. But then that wouldn’t be interesting now would it?! God needs to maintain His power somehow!
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March 7, 2017 at 8:54 pm
Bear lives matter. I say we join them in the fight and have them be our defense army but first, we have to throw out all of our teddy bears, gummy bears, bear-skinned rugs, graham cracker bears and zoo tickets.
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March 14, 2017 at 4:58 pm
#BearLivesMatter!! Yes, absolutely! I am all for throwing in them bear animal crackers! =D
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March 8, 2017 at 3:05 pm
You are soooooooo talented! One day I will say, “I know that dude!”
I LOVED IT!!!!
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March 14, 2017 at 9:43 am
Hey love! Sorry for the late response. I been away for a while. Thank you for reading this post, and thank you for the kind words!
How are you?!
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March 14, 2017 at 10:13 am
Whew!!! I was bout to send somebody to track you down. I knew you guys had some rough weather so, on the real, I started to worry. Now I’m good!
So glad you’re back love 🙂
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March 14, 2017 at 10:49 am
LOL! Thank you =D
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March 19, 2017 at 3:20 am
lovely regrads
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March 30, 2017 at 10:20 am
So creative! You my friend are one talented being. Although, I’ll admit to laughing at the idea of you sitting at your computer and typing things like
*growls* and *bear hugs* lololol
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